Preface

Doubt Thou the Stars Are Fire
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/41037996.

Rating:
Explicit
Archive Warning:
No Archive Warnings Apply
Category:
M/M
Fandom:
Our Flag Means Death (TV)
Relationship:
Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet
Character:
Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Stede Bonnet, Israel Hands, Lucius Spriggs, Black Pete (Our Flag Means Death), Ivan (Our Flag Means Death), Crew of the Revenge (Our Flag Means Death)
Additional Tags:
Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Theatre
Language:
English
Collections:
OFMD SMAUs/AMAUs/MMAUs to Browse
Stats:
Published: 2022-08-15 Completed: 2022-11-16 Words: 331 Chapters: 70/70

Doubt Thou the Stars Are Fire

Summary

Ed is directing his senior thesis project, a student-run production of Hamlet. He's feeling uninspired by the process until one Stede Bonnet auditions for the leading role. A college theatre SMAU.

Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

Find this SMAU on Twitter as well!

A red curtain with the text Doubt Thou the Stars Are Fire an OFMD theatre SMAU by redwineandroses

Premise:

-Modern AU, set at the fictional Corsair University, located somewhere in the USA

-Everyone is American because I say so

-Ed is directing a student production of Hamlet

-Ed's a BFA Acting major, Stede is an English major

-Ivan is assistant directing

-Izzy is stage manager

-This pulls heavily from my own experience directing student shows in college

Chapter 2

Email from Edward Teach, sent at 7:45PM Wazzup, Corsair University theatre department! Yours truly will be directing the one, the only Hamlet by Billy Shakespeare this spring semester. Auditions are this coming Saturday, December 2 from 12pm-3pm. Details below from our stage manager, Izzy: ·        Auditions will take place in Old Main, room 317. ·        To audition, sign up for a slot in the Google Doc by Tuesday at 5pm. ·        Email a headshot and resume to ihands2@corsair.edu by Wednesday at 5pm. ·        Prepare a 60-second monologue, memorized, from Shakespeare or similar. ·        Show dates are April 25-27. ·        Tech Week is April 21-24.

·        If you are unable to audition but know someone outside the department that may be interested, please pass this information along. See you at auditions, suckers! Ed

A Google Sheet spreadsheet. Auditions will take place December 2nd from 2pm-5pm in Old Main 317. Please prepare a 60-second monologue from Shakespeare or similiar. Email Izzy Hands at ihands2@corsair.edu with any questions. Time	Name	Phone Number	Email 2:00 PM			 2:05	Frenchie Luth	555-5883	fluth@corsair.edu 2:10	John Feeney	555-3473	jfeeney4@corsair.edu 2:15	Benjamin Hornigold	555-2233	bhornigold@corsair.edu 2:20	Doug Peintre	555-3684	dpeintre@corsair.edu 2:25			 2:30	Lucius Spriggs	555-7323	lspriggs@corsair.edu 2:35	Pete Black	555-4229	pblack13@corsair.edu 2:40			 2:45

2:40			 2:45			 2:50	The Swede		 2:55	Charles Vane	555-8263	cvane3@corsair.edu 3:00 PM			 3:05	Mary Allamby	555-2789	mallamby@corsair.edu 3:10	Jackie Romero	555-6673	jromero@corsair.edu 3:15	Geraldo Romero	555-9433	gromero@corsair.edu 3:20			 3:25			 3:30	Bernard Roach	555-6327	broach2@corsair.edu 3:35	Thomas Captain	555-6263	tcaptain@corsair.edu 3:40	Fang		 3:45			 3:50	Oluwande Boodhari	555-4585	oboodhari@corsair.edu 3:55

4:00 PM	Evelyn Vidua	555-3323	evidua@corsair.edu 4:05	William Kidd	555-5433	wkidd@corsair.edu 4:10			 4:15	Mary Read	555-6279	mread3@corsair.edu 4:20	Anne Bonny	555-2663	abonny2@corsair.edu 4:25			 4:30	Antoinette Petit	555-9453	apetit@corsair.edu 4:35	Gabriel Petit	555-3675	gpetit@corsair.edu 4:40			 4:45			 4:50			 4:55	Stede Bonnet	555-5683	sbonnet@corsair.edu

 

Chapter 3

Ed's phone

iz 🖕🤮💀🔪🖤 Izzy: How’s it going in there?  Ed: awful. if i have to listen to one more shitty delivery of the to be or not to be speech i’m going to shuffle off this mortal coil  Izzy: That good, huh?  Ed: maybe instead of sending in the rest of the actors you can just stab me  Izzy: Absolutely not.   Ed: pls? just a lil stab

Izzy: No.   Besides, I’ve got a laugh coming up for you. Check out the next headshot.   Ed: 👀👀👀  holy shit  hahahahahahhaha  you’re right this did cheer me up

Stede Bonnet's submitted headshot and resume

Image of Rhys Darby. His eyes are wide, his mouth is open, he's wearing a grey suit, and he's doing something akin to the hand jive.

A floral resume template. Text reads Experience Dodo Bird	Alice in Wonderland	Shooting Star Children’s Theatre Dancing Fork	Beauty and the Beast	Shooting Star Children’s Theatre Oompa Loompa #5	Charlie and the Chocolate Factory	Shooting Star Children’s Theatre Third Munchkin from the Left	The Wizard of Oz	Shooting Star Children’s Theatre Training •	Voice lessons, 5 years •	Ballet lessons, 2 years •	Tap lessons, 1 year. A side column reads  	Virginia Hall Room 206   	555-5683  	sbonnet@corsair.edu

Floral resume continued. Text reads Special Skills •	Ecclesiastical Latin •	New Zealand accent. A side column reads Height: 5’8” Weight: 145 lbs

Chapter 4

Ed's phone

Ivan ✌️  Ivan: dude i’m still thinking about it  Ed: me too how the hell did someone with that shit of a resume learn to act like that???

Attached please find the cast list for Hamlet. If you have been cast, you will receive a more detailed email from me shortly. Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Hamlet Cast List Claudius Pete Black Ghost The Swede Polonius, Doctor of Divinity Lucius Spriggs Laertes, Player King Oluwande Boodhari Voltemand, Norwegian Captain, Lord, Messenger, Player Prologue, Second Clown Fang Cornelius, Gentleman, Player Lucianus, Fortinbras, First Clown Bernard Roach Rosencrantz, Francisco, First Ambassador Frenchie Luth Guildenstern, Barnardo, First Sailor John Feeney Osric, Marcellus, Reynaldo, Player Queen Evelyn Vidua Horatio Doug Peintre Ophelia Mary Allamby Gertrude Jackie Romero Hamlet Stede Bonnet

Chapter 5

Congratulations to the cast of Ed Teach’s Hamlet. Our read-through will be Monday, January 6 at 7pm in Old Main 317. Attached is a copy of the script we will be using. You are responsible for printing your own copy of the script. Let me know if you have any questions.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Oh my goodness, this is so exciting!!! 😍🥳🎉 I’ve never played a lead before. 🎭 In fact, I haven’t acted since I was twelve! I can’t wait for the first rehearsal. 💖 I’ve circled the date on my calendar! 📅 So grateful for the opportunity and can’t wait to meet you all! 💞  Sincerely, Stede Bonnet

Lucius' phone

Pete 💞 Lucius: oh my god, can you fucking believe that cast list?  Pete: We’re going to be in the show together, babe! Yay!  Lucius: yes, that’s great, I’m so happy for us, but who the everloving fuck is Stede Bonnet? and why has no one taught him not to reply all to emails?  Pete: idk never heard of him  Lucius: he can’t be in the theatre department. i’m going to ask around.

Lucius: k, so stede bonnet is an english major. a senior, like ed. he’s literally never been involved in a production here before.  Pete: well, he said he hasn’t acted since he was twelve  Lucius: which is INSANE, right??? what the hell was ed thinking  Pete: i guess we’ll find out next month  Lucius: I can’t wait an entire goddamn MONTH  Pete: i think you’ll live, babe

Chapter 6

Ed's phone

Ed: iz! 👋  Izzy: I know you swore up and down that this Stede Bonnet was amazing. But are you really sure about this?  Ed: is this about him replying all to that email? 📧  Izzy: It was completely unprofessional. But really, this is your senior thesis project, Ed. We’ve been dreaming about doing Hamlet since freshman year. And you want to pin the whole thing on some nobody?

Ed: izzy trust me  dude made me feel like i was hearing to be or not to be for the first time  do you know how fucking difficult that is  Izzy: I do trust you, Edward. I just don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.  Ed: cast list’s already out, iz. nothing we can do about it now  Izzy: I’m happy to break the news to Bonnet if you need to recast the role.

Ed: it’s gotta be him  Izzy: Fine.

Chapter 7

 

Mary 🎨🖌️🌼  Stede: Mary! I’ve been cast as Hamlet! 🤩🎭💀  Mary: I saw! Congratulations! 🥳  Stede: Only 33 days until the first rehearsal. 📅⏰👀  Mary: Not that anyone’s counting. 😊  Stede: Thank you for encouraging me to audition. I couldn’t have done it without you. 💖  Mary: Of course, Stede. I’m proud of you. 💜  Stede: Thanks, Mary. 💖💖💖

Ed's phone

555-5683  Stede: Hello, is this Edward?   Ed: yep  who’s this?  Stede: Stede Bonnet! I hope you don’t mind, I got your number from Mary Allamby.  Ed: stede! np at all, glad to hear from you  Stede: I just wanted to thank you again for this incredible opportunity. As I mentioned, I haven’t acted in years, and it’s so terribly exciting to get the chance to do it again.

Ed: yeah, about that  have you really not acted since you were 12?  Stede: Tragically, yes. That was the age when my father decided I ought to leave the arts behind and take up more “manly” pursuits.  Ed: 🤮🤮🤮  Stede: I know.  Ed: it’s fine, my dad was a dick too.

Stede: Was?  Ed: he’s dead  Stede: I’m sorry.  Ed: i’m not  Stede: Well, anyway. I’m looking forward to our first rehearsal!  Ed: yeah, should be fun. have a good winter break, man  Stede: The same to you! 💖❄️🌟

Chapter 8

Email from Izzy Hands  Subject: Hamlet Readthrough Tonight  As a reminder, we will be having our first readthrough of Hamlet tonight at 7pm in Old Main, room 317. Remember to bring your printed copy of the script, as we will not be providing extras.   Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Lucius' phone

Pete 💕  Lucius: jesus christ, is that a sparkly binder???  Pete: haha looks like it  Lucius: and a teal bomber jacket. TEAL  Pete: what’s wrong with teal?  Lucius: nothing, ig, it’s just a bold choice  he looks like an 80s color palette exploded  Pete: be nice, lucius  Lucius: i’m just trying to figure out what ed sees in this guy

Lucius: holy shit  i take it back, i see it now

Chapter 9

Email from Stede  Hi all!  What a wonderful first rehearsal! It was so delightful to meet you all and to sally forth into our first adventure in creating art together. 🎭🎨💖 Truly, it was something like magic bringing that script to life with my fellow thespians.✨ May we have a delightful journey together, guided by our fearless leader, Edward!  Sincerely,  Stede

Ed: dude  you’ve got to stop replying all to izzy’s emails   he’s losing his mind over it  Stede: Really? Whatever for?  Ed: thinks it’s unprofessional  Stede: Oh, goodness! Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to be unprofessional.  Ed: it’s alright, man

just…idk next time you want to be excited about the show, just text me  Stede: Well, I hope you don’t mind getting a lot of texts because I am incredibly excited!  Ed: weirdly enough, me too  Stede: Weirdly?  Ed: tbh I was sort of losing interest in this production when auditions started  i’ve been in a million shows here in the last four years, and it’s sort of…what’s the point, you know? 🤷

Stede: Well, I thought you were wonderful as Macbeth.  Ed: you saw that?  Stede: Sure! I go to all the school plays. It was an outlet, I guess, before I was brave enough to actually audition for something.  I’ve enjoyed all your roles. Macbeth was my favorite, though.  Ed: thnx ❤️

also, side note, don’t say Macbeth in the theatre if you don’t want Izzy to kill you 🔪  he’s very sensitive about that for some reason  Stede: Of course not! It’s bad luck!  Ed: vis not  Stede: Is too!

Ed: stede, that superstition comes from failing theatres putting on macbeth bc it’s a popular play and sells tickets. they had no money for repairs so lights would fall on people and shit  Stede: Hm, I’m pretty sure the play was cursed by witches, actually. 🧙♀️  Ed: you’re a fucking lunatic  i like it

Chapter 10

Group chat between Frenchie, Wee John, Oluwande, Jim, Black Pete, Lucius, Roach, & The Swede

The Crew 🏴☠️  Frenchie: Yo, can you believe that Stede character, though?  Jim: yeah, who the hell is he?  Oluwande: Hamlet  Jim: yeah, I got that. I meant who IS he  Lucius: he’s an English major, senior, hasn’t acted since he was twelve. and he’s honestly fucking incredible  Jim: how good can he be if he hasn’t acted since he was 12

Pete: I haven’t had an acting partner that good since Ed and I were in M**beth together  Lucius: babe, not only are you not in a theatre, you’re allowed to TEXT it  Frenchie: better safe than sorry  Lucius: you’re all ridiculous  Jim: well, all I know is I hope this Stede person’s decent at stage combat, otherwise I might have to stab him

Pete: I haven’t had an acting partner that good since Ed and I were in M**beth together  Lucius: babe, not only are you not in a theatre, you’re allowed to TEXT it  Frenchie: better safe than sorry  Lucius: you’re all ridiculous  Jim: well, all I know is I hope this Stede person’s decent at stage combat, otherwise I might have to stab him  Oluwande: being weaponsmaster doesn’t mean you get to use the weapons  Jim: why not

 

Chapter 11

Attached please find the rehearsal schedule for this week. Let me know if you have any questions.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Hamlet Rehearsal Schedule week of January 13 Monday, January 13 table work (all cast) Tuesday, January 14 fight rehearsal (Hamlet, Polonius) Wednesday, January 15 table work (all cast) Thursday, January 16 table work (Hamlet)

Stede's phone

Edward 🎭🎬💀  Stede: Can I ask a stupid question?  Ed: no such thing as a stupid question, mate  Stede: What's table work? Is it scenes involving tables?   Ed: you're adorable  no, it's...sitting around talking about the text, basically  interpretations, that sort of thing  you probably didn't do much of it at the children's theatre

Stede: I remember us sitting in a circle once and talking about backstories for our characters...?  I was a dancing fork, though, so I don't know that the exercise made much sense to me. 🍴  Ed: we'll talk backstories at some point, yeah. some of hamlet's is in the text, and some of it's up to us to agree on. bring your best ideas  Stede: Aye, aye, captain! 🚢

Ed: is calling someone captain flirting?  Fang: depends on the context  Fang: why  Ed: no reason  Izzy: Who do you think is flirting with you?  Ed: no one  never mind

Chapter 12

Ed's notes from the first day of table work

--Hamlet is 18 -Ghost is real, not hallucination -No to Oedipus complex -Yes to Hamlet/Ophelia previous sexual relationship -Hamlet is suicidal/depressed -Hamlet sexual tension w/Horatio -Stede Bonnet is fucking insane

Ed's phone

Izzy: Well, that was fucking bizarre.  Ed: i did tell him to come with his best ideas lol  Izzy: And his best fucking idea is that everyone in the play is dead and secretly a ghost?  Ed: i thought that one was funny, actually 👻  Izzy: I thought it was a fucking waste of everyone's time.

Ed: look, he's unconventional, but i like that about him  after all, we're not trying to put on the same hamlet everyone's seen a thousand times  Izzy: No, but we're not trying to put on an unhinged production, either.  Ed: unhinged might be fun  we haven't tried that yet

Izzy: Edward, the faculty has to approve your thesis project for you to graduate. You need to take this seriously.  Ed: alright, don't get your panties in a twist  i'm taking it seriously. seriously  Izzy: Very funny.

 

Chapter 13

Stede's phone

Mary: Hey, Stede. I wanted to check in with you about the show. Are you sure you’re okay with us playing Hamlet and Ophelia as having had a sexual relationship?  Stede: It’s fine, Mary, really.  Mary: OK. Because I know with our history that might get…tricky.  Stede: You’re a consummate professional, Mary, and I will endeavor to be the same.  Mary: Well, let me know if you ever need to talk about it.  Stede: Of course.

Stede: What does one wear to a fight rehearsal?  Ed: something you can move in  Stede: Right, but what are we thinking as far as a color story? 🌈  Ed: a fucking what now  Stede: Edward, you’re a director! Surely you know about color stories.  Ed: i mean i’m guessing it’s a story you tell using color  Stede: Precisely!

Ed: wear whatever makes you happy, man. jim’ll only complain if it interferes with the movement  Stede: Who’s Jim?  Ed: our fight choreographer and weaponsmaster  basically if it involves stabbing, it involves jim 🗡️  Stede: Lots of stabbing in this play if I’m honest.  Ed: you’re not wrong

Chapter 14

Oluwande's phone

Jim: good grief he's in flamingo pink  Oluwande: Who is?  Jim: stede  like, it's a workout outfit, but it's the brightest pink I've ever seen  Oluwande: Yeah, he had some pretty bright colors on at the readthrough, too. Maybe that's just his thing.

Jim: he's stretching, but it's not any kind of stretch i've seen before  Oluwande: Maybe he's invented a new kind of yoga?  Jim: haha  this is going to be a hell of a rehearsal

Chapter 15

Ed's phone

Stede: Edward, there's something I should tell you.  Ed: sounds serious  Stede: Mary and I used to date.  Ed: ah  is that going to be an issue?  Stede: I don't think so. Mary is very professional. I just thought you should know.  Ed: appreciate the heads up

but what about you? are you going to be ok acting opposite her?  Stede: I think so. It helps that I'm gay.  Ed: mood  Stede: ???  Ed: haha i just meant that i'm also queer 🏳️🌈  Stede: Oh! Congratulations? I think?  Ed: that is the best response i've ever gotten to coming out, thank you  Stede: You're welcome?

Chapter 16

Ed: why are we having a production meeting at 8am again  Izzy: It's the only time everyone could come.  Ed: 7:30am, as a concept, can fuck off  Izzy: You tell ‘em, Edward.

Ed's Hamlet aesthetic Pinterest board

Production report with a logo for Hamlet and a logo for Revenge Productions. Friday, January 17  Location: Old Main 317 Start Time End Time Running Time 8:03AM 9:01AM 58 minutes Next Production Meeting Attendance Location: Old Main 317 Date: January 24 Time: 8:00AM  Present: Ed, Izzy, Ivan, Charli, Jay, Ariel, Icky, Egg, Lela, Shailey Absent:  Direction ● Set in a timeless time and a placeless place ● Guiding aesthetic: dark royaltycore Scenic  ● Castle space is flexible, like any room could transform into any other at any moment ● Unit set of a Gothic arch ● Location mostly indicated through set dressing

Lighting ● Reminiscent of chandeliers, candlelight ● Want to play a lot with shadows  Sound  ● Mostly realistic sound effects ● Pre-show/transition music: mix of Romantic music and instrumental versions of modern songs ○ Think Bridgerton, but moodier Costumes  ● Leather & lace ● Lots of dark colors ● Modern but timeless ● Make use of local thrift shops?  Props  ● No notes for today, thank you Technical Direction  ● No notes for today, thank you  Stage Management ● Izzy will begin making preliminary props list

Chapter 17

Ed's phone

Stede: You told me to text you anytime I want to be excited about the show, and I am very excited about rehearsal tonight!  Ed: yeah, man, should be fun. lots to iron out  Stede: I’ve been working hard at memorizing my lines. I think I’m driving my neighbors crazy.   Ed: that’s what they get for living next to an actor 🎭  Stede: Gosh, I never thought of myself as an actor before! 😨

Ed: why not?  Stede: I don’t know. It seems like a term reserved for people who are more serious about the craft, like you. You’re an acting major, right?  Ed: sure, but that’s hardly what makes someone an actor  Stede: What is, then?

Ed: you just have to be someone who acts  that’s you  Stede: Me, an actor! It’s hard to wrap my head around, if I’m honest. 😳  You’ve given me a lot to think about.   Ed: don’t lose your mind over it, it’s not that serious  Stede: It is to me.

Chapter 18

chaos muffins Ed: i think i’ve given stede an identity crisis lol  Ivan: no breaking our lead actor!  Fang: what did you do  Ed: just referred to him as an actor  seemed to freak him out for for some reason  Izzy: I don’t know if I would consider him an actor.   Ed: fuck off  he acts, doesn’t he?  Izzy: I suppose.   But it’s not like he’s serious about it.

Ivan: I actually don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone be more serious about anything.   he’s kind of intense tbh  Fang: yeah, and he was damned good at the table read  Ed: exactly  Fang: you have rehearsal with him one-on-one tonight, right?  Ed: yep  Izzy: I will also be there.   Ed: right, and Izzy  Ivan: and me!

Ed: yep  Izzy: I will also be there.   Ed: right, and Izzy  Ivan: and me!  Ed: and Ivan  Fang: all the chaos muffins but me :(  Ed: don’t worry, babe, you’ll get plenty of rehearsal time 😘  Fang: yay 😊

Chapter 19

Chapter Notes

I rearranged the chapters of this fic so there aren't so goddamn many of them, which means you may not have left off where you think you left off. Sorry for any confusion.

Ed's rehearsal notes

-Hamlet doesn’t actually go mad, but he does start to lose track of what’s an act and what’s real        -a kind of semi-madness -Hamlet had a fondness for Claudius before the events of the play      -makes betrayal more profound  -Hamlet did not believe in ghosts before he meets his father, doubts his own perception

-Chastising of Ophelia comes from a place of love for her      -love is persistent throughout the play; Hamlet just bad at showing it -Not aware enough to realize his feelings for Horatio are romantic      -Hamlet = repressed bisexual      -Only love for Ophelia socially acceptable -Stede feels strongly that Hamlet is a Leo sun, Scorpio moon      -whatever that means

Google search: leo sun scorpio moon. Results: The Leo Sun Scorpio Moon person is passionate, courageous, and dramatic. They enjoy the company of others and self-expression. Leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac. Under the sign of Leo falls an individual who is influenced by pride and whose element is fire.

Tweet from edward teach @bornonabeach_ yo this astrology shit is wild

Chapter 20

Attached please find this week’s rehearsal schedule. Let me know if you have any questions. Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Hamlet Rehearsal Schedule Week of January 20 Monday, January 20	Blocking – Act 1 (all cast) Tuesday, January 21	Fight rehearsal (Hamlet, Laertes) Wednesday, January 22	Blocking – Act 2 (all cast) Thursday, January 23	Blocking – Act 3 (all cast)

The Crew  🏴☠️  Roach: holy shit Ed’s teaching Stede stage directions  Jim: wait no  seriously?  Lucius: can confirm. he straight up did not know what stage left is  Wee John: omfg I can’t believe our lead doesn’t know stage directions  Oluwande: He’s learning, at least.   Lucius: more like flirting with Ed

Frenchie: 👀👀👀  Oluwande: TBF I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose.   Frenchie: what are they doing  Lucius: laughing and touching each other a LOT   while learning stage directions  a notoriously sexy subject The Swede: awww they would make a sweet couple

Oluwande: TBF I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose.   Frenchie: what are they doing  Lucius: laughing and touching each other a LOT   while learning stage directions  a notoriously sexy subject  The Swede: awww they would make a sweet couple  Black Pete: would they, tho  Jim: this is going to be a mess, isn’t it

 

Chapter 21

Izzy's blocking notes

A page of the script of Hamlet, annotated using standard blocking abbreviations

A list of standard blocking symbols

Stede's blocking notes

A page of the script of Hamlet, with flowy cursive handwriting reading she walks towards me and I walk stage left (my left, not audience left)

A diagram showing stage directions, handwritten in flowy cursive

Chapter 22

Ed's phone

Stede: So are Jim and Oluwande an item?  Ed: not technically, i don’t think  Stede: That’s strange. They seem very flirty.  Ed: they are very flirty  they’ve always been very flirty  i don’t know why one of them doesn’t make a move

Stede: Well, that sort of thing can be very intimidating, Edward.  Ed: how did you ask mary out?  Stede: Via posterboard  Ed: lol what  Stede: It was high school! I asked her to the homecoming dance with a sign that said “it’d be sweet if you came to homecoming with me” with candy attached.🍬🍫🍭

Ed: awwww 💞  Stede: Only I forgot to sign my name, so she had to ask around until I finally confessed it was me.  Ed: that’s fucking hysterical  Stede: It seemed romantic at the time!   Ed: we’re giving Hamlet a promposal sign for the nunnery scene  Stede: Edward, I cannot tell if you are joking.  Ed: i am, relax  Stede: Oh, thank God.

A handwritten sign that reads Mary, it would be sweet if you went to homecoming with me. Various candies are taped to the sign.

Chapter 23

Oluwande's phone

Jim: lucius was right those two are flirty af  Oluwande: I can’t believe you, of all people, are interested in a cast romance.  Jim: i’m *worried* about a cast romance  the director and the lead sleeping together is a disaster waiting to happen  Oluwande: I don’t think they’re sleeping together.  Jim: yet  Oluwande: Yet.

Jim: what do we do  say something to ed?  Oluwande: Um, do you want to talk to Ed about his love life?  Jim: i’d rather die  Oluwande: Yeah, I’m not especially keen on it either.  I suppose we could just wait and see?  Jim: i guess so  it’s gonna get ugly if they break up tho

Oluwande: I think you’re putting the cart ahead of the horse.  Besides, I don’t even think Stede realizes how flirty he’s being.  Jim: how could he not?  Oluwande: People aren’t always good at picking up on flirting.  Jim: he can’t be that oblivious  Oluwande: This is Stede we’re talking about.  Jim: …fair enough

Chapter 24

Stede's phone

Stede: meme of boromir, top text reading I can’t, bottom text reading I have rehearsal  Ed: ?  Stede: It’s a meme! I made it myself. ☺️  Ed: lmao  meme with guy labeled Hamlet holding hands with a girl labeled Ophelia and whistling at a girl labeled Horatio

Stede: 😂😂😂  Did you make that?  Ed: sure did 😀  meme of Fry squinting. top text reads not sure if, bottom text reads ghost or hallucination  Stede: HAHAHAHAHA  These are very good.

Stede: HAHAHAHAHA  These are very good.  meme of old man looking at computer. top text reads when your mother, bottom text reads marries your uncle  Ed: lmfao

Ed's phone

chaos muffins  Ed: stede is fucking terrible at memes lol  like look at this  meme of old man looking at computer. top text reads when your mother, bottom text reads marries your uncle  Izzy: Why is he sending you Hamlet memes?  Ed: for fun  you’ve heard of fun, right, iz

Ivan: lol that’s not how that meme works  Fang: it’s kind of cute, honestly  Ed: agreed  Izzy: You’re all fucking ridiculous.  Ed: guilty as charged 😝

Chapter 25

Lucius' phone

Lucius: lol i think jackie’s going to kill him  Pete: who, stede?  Lucius:no, the other person who’s in this scene with her  obviously stede!  Pete: yeah she is definitely not amused  Lucius: personally i would be terrified to get on jackie’s bad side

Pete: yeah she was just a little too good with a sword in m**beth  Lucius: again, you don’t have to type it like that  Pete: safety first, babe  Lucius: you’re impossible 💖

Ed's phone

Izzy: My God, it’s been a week.  Ed: ?  Izzy: You’re telling me Stede fucking Bonnet hasn’t fucking exhausted you?  Ed: can’t say he has, no  i’m guessing he’s exhausted you, tho  Izzy: You literally had to teach him stage directions. He keeps referring to his notes when you say things like “cross downstage.”

Ed: eh, i knew he was a novice going in  and he’s improving  Izzy: Not that much.  Ed: you really hate this casting choice, huh  Izzy: I never said that.  Ed: yeah, but you’d be happier if i’d chosen someone else  Izzy: Yes.

Ed: well i need you to play nice with him  can you do that?  Izzy: I’ll be his stage manager, but that doesn’t mean I have to be his fucking friend.  Ed: no one’s asking you to do that  just maybe conceal the contempt a little bit?  Izzy: He called me Iggy.  Ed: not on purpose  Izzy: Still.

Ed: iz, i need you on my team for this show. i can’t do it without you  Izzy: Edward, I have been with you since you were performing Shaw at your freshman acting showcase. I’m not about to leave you now, even if you did cast a total twat as the lead in your senior showcase.  Ed: did you just say twat  Izzy: Not the point, Edward.  Ed: i’m changing your name in my phone to twat  Izzy: I hate you.

 

Chapter 26

Attached please find the rehearsal schedule for this week. Let me know if you have any questions.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Hamlet Rehearsal Schedule Week of January 27 Monday, January 27 Block Act 4 (all cast) Tuesday, January 28 Fight rehearsal (Hamlet, Laertes) Wednesday, January 29 Block Act 5 (all cast) Thursday, January 30 Table work (Hamlet)

Lucius' phone

The Crew 🏴☠️  Lucius: okay we’re officially taking bets  Wee John: on?  Lucius: when ed and stede are going to get together, obviously  Jim: within the week  Oluwande: Should we really be placing bets on other people’s love lives?  Pete: i give it a month  Lucius: that long, really, babe?

Pete: let’s do two weeks over/under. i’m over  Jim: under  Swede: under  Wee John: under  Frenchie: under  Roach: under  Oluwande: I’m not participating in this.

Frenchie: under  Roach: under  Oluwande: I’m not participating in this.  Lucius: booooo Olu  Jim: yeah boo  Frenchie: wait, what are we even wagering?  Jim: we’re all broke college students, so…pride?  Lucius: works for me 🏳️🌈

Chapter 27

Stede's phone

Ed: my god this class is boring  Stede: What is it?  Ed: shakespeare lit  Stede: I took that class! With Dr. Proudfit?  Ed: yep  Stede: How on earth are you, of all people, bored in a Shakespeare course?  Ed: i mean i already took shakespeare acting  there’s not a lot that’s new

Stede: Oh, I disagree. Looking at Shakespeare from a literary perspective is totally different from looking at it from an actor’s perspective!  Ed: heh you would know, i guess  Stede: You really shouldn’t be texting in class.  Ed: ah, but i’m texting from my laptop, so it looks like i’m taking notes 🧠  Stede: You might miss something important!  Ed: you’re way more interesting than this lecture on midsummer

Stede: Oh, I love A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It might be my favorite Shakespeare!  Ed: can’t relate. i’m all about the tragedies  Stede: But the romance, Ed! It’s so dreamy. 🥰 And I simply love the fairies. 🧚  Ed: everyone gets tricked into falling in love with each other, that’s not romantic at all  Stede: Do they get tricked? Or does the magic allow them to see what they knew inside all along?

Ed: huh. never thought about it that way  Stede: Pay attention to your lecture, Edward.  Ed: nooo don’t leave me  stede come back i’m so bored  steeeeede

Izzy's phone

Ed: this class is so boring  Izzy: Are you really texting me from one seat over?  Ed: yeah bc i’m so booored  Izzy: Some of us are actually fucking paying attention.  Ed: but whyyyy  izzy?  izzyyyyyyyy  goddamn it i’m going to have to start actually taking notes now aren’t i

A Google doc titled Notes 1.27. Body text reads I am the very model of a modern Major-General I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights Historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical  I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters Mathematical I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news With many cheerful facts about the square of the Hypotenuse

Chapter 28

Ed’s phone

Stede: Are you awake?  Ed: what is this, a booty call 🍑  Stede: Goodness, no!  I had too much caffeine this afternoon and now I can’t sleep. I just wanted someone to talk to.  Ed: lol been there ☕  what do you want to talk about?  Stede: I don’t know. Anything, I suppose.

How did your lecture end up going?  Ed: terrible, izzy also refused to be my distraction, so i had to take matters into my own hands  (haha it’s funny bc izzy’s last name is hands)  Stede: That is a truly atrocious joke, but I’ll allow it since it’s 2am.  Ed: what do you normally do when you can’t sleep?  Stede: Read. But nothing on my bookshelf seems appealing at the moment.

Ed: you have a bookshelf?  Stede: Yes. It was the first thing I bought when I found out I’d be in an apartment this year. 📚  Ed: love that  my books are just in piles all over the place  i think it makes izzy crazy  Stede: You two live together, right?  Ed: yep  we were suitemates freshman year, that’s how we met

Stede: Can I ask you something?  Ed: you just did  but sure  Stede: Why are you friends with him? He’s so…unpleasant.  Ed: he’s a grump, sure, but he’s passionate about his work, and i like that  besides, he’s been with me on practically every show i’ve done since freshman year. you know how it is when you do a show with someone and you end up becoming really close really quickly

Stede: I had a few friends like that as a kid, I suppose. The friendships never really lasted past closing, though.  Ed: that’s the ephemerality of theatre, i suppose  Stede: What are your plans after graduation?  Ed: moving to nyc, baby  with izzy  hbu?  Stede: Moving back home and hoping to find a decent job, I suppose.

Ed: what sort of job, do you think?  Stede: No clue. I know my father would love for me to join the family business, but he also thinks I should have majored in business instead of English. Says English is a useless degree.  Ed: that sucks  Stede: That’s why he stopped paying my tuition.  Ed: !!!  for real???

Stede: Yes. I had to take out loans after sophomore year when I officially switched from business to English.  Ed: your dad’s a fucking asshole  Stede: Well said.  Ed: sorry, dude  good on you for following your dreams, tho  Stede: Thanks. I don’t really know what my dreams even are, honestly. I just knew studying business wasn’t it. I was willing to do anything to get off that path.

Ed: that’s brave  Stede: Is it?  Ed: i think so  Stede: Thanks. 💖  I think I’m going to try to sleep again. Thanks for talking with me.  Ed: np, anytime  Stede: Night-night, Ed. 💖  Ed: night-night 🖤

Chapter 29

Ed's phone

twat 🖕🤮💀🔪🖤  Izzy: Edward, Jim wants to know when in the rehearsal process you want to introduce the actual prop weapons.  Ed: up to them, honestly. they’re the expert  Izzy: So I can tell them to bring them tonight, then?  Ed: sure  hey, iz, have you ever gone out with someone while working on a show with them?

Izzy: If this is about Stede fucking Bonnet, I swear to God.  Ed: might be  Izzy: It’s a terrible fucking idea.  What happens if you break up during the rehearsal process?  Ed: yeah alright, fair enough  he’s awfully cute, tho  Izzy: NO.

Ed: damn all caps  that’s a lot from you, iz  Izzy: Don’t fucking do it.  Ed: so i should do it then  Izzy: Edward.  Ed: just making sure we’re clear  Izzy: Do not make me say it again.  Ed: alright, alright i get it

Stede: Is it just me or does Izzy seem particularly irritated by me today?  Ed: eh he’s annoyed about a conversation we had earlier  he’ll get over himself  Stede: I hope so. He’s not the only one getting irritated. 😤

Izzy: Edward, are you texting during rehearsal?  Ed: no  Izzy: That’s completely unprofessional.  Ed: You’re doing it, too!  Izzy: Only because you are.  Ed: still counts

 Stede: Wait, are you also texting Izzy?  Should we even be texting while Jim is talking?

Izzy: Are you texting Stede? Both of you should be paying attention to Jim!  Ed: i am paying attention to jim  Izzy: What did they just say, then?  Ed: uh

Jim's phone

Jim to Ed, Izzy, and Stede  Jim: WILL YOU THREE PAY ATTENTION I’M TRYING TO RUN A FIGHT REHEARSAL HERE  Stede: Sorry, Jim.  Ed: yeah, sorry

Chapter 30

Ed tweet: can’t believe i just spent an hour listening to stede go on about star signs  Ed reply: can you believe there’s one called CANCER!?  Lucius reply: mm he told you what sign you are, didn’t he  Ed reply: how do YOU know what sign i am!? you don’t know my birthday  Lucius reply: first of all, it’s in your bio, second of all, i would have known anyway bc ✨vibes✨  Ed reply: i do not have cancer vibes  Lucius reply: sure you don’t  i’m sure you’re not a scorpio moon either  Ed reply: a fucking what

Google search for scorpio moon. Results read Scorpio is a water moon, making you ultra sensitive to the moods around you. You digest all the vibes, good and bad. Scorpio Moons are especially vulnerable to dark atmospheres--toxic, heavy, stagnant, spiritually degraded. You need to purge ill feelings on a periodic basis.

 

Chapter 31

Attached please find the rehearsal schedule for this week. Let me know if you have any questions.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Hamlet Rehearsal Schedule Week of February 3 Monday, February 3 Stumblethrough day 1 (all cast) Tuesday, February 4 Fight rehearsal (Hamlet, Claudius, Laertes) Wednesday, February 5 Stumblethrough day 2 (all cast) Thursday, February 6 Stumblethrough day 3 (all cast)

Stede's phone

Stede: What’s a stumble through?  *stumble through  *stumblethrough  My phone really wants that to be two words. 😅  Ed: running through the show for the first time  Stede: Why is it called that?  Ed: bc it’ll probably go slowly and be riddled with errors lol

Ed: the first time through’s always rough, especially with a substantial play like this one  Stede: Well, I’m confident that our cast and crew will do swimmingly!  Ed: always the optimist  how very sagittarius of you  Stede: I’m a Leo.  Were you listening to anything I said about astrology?

Ed: yep, definitely  Stede: Liar.  Ed: something about the moon? 🌕  Stede: You’re hopeless. 💖

Ed's phone

Google search: leo cancer compatibility. Results from cosmopolitan.com read sex between a leo and cancer can be a great match. Leo's domineering attitude works out in the bedroom, as Cancer oftentimes won't mind taking a more passive role. Both of these zodiac signs lead with their hearts, so their passionate encounters may also lead to a little lovemaking.

 

Chapter 32

Stede's phone

Ed: you going to Jim and Olu’s party tonight?  Stede: I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to impose.  Ed: you’re not imposing  they invited you, right  Stede: Yes, of course.  Ed: then come! it’ll be fun  besides, theatre kids always wear costumes to parties. considering how much you love costumes…

Stede: Is this just because I said I was thrilled to be measured by Virginia? Because I already apologized to her for that!  Ed: lmao that was hilarious but no  i was thinking we could do a costume together  Stede: What did you have in mind?  Ed: idk, the theme is disney. you have a favorite disney movie?

Stede: Hercules.  Ed: wait same  Stede: Really? People usually think I’m odd for saying that.  Ed: no it’s amazing. an underrated classic  Stede: What if we were Pain and Panic?  Ed: stede bonnet you’re a fucking genius

Receipt from Goodwill for two men's shirts and two pairs of women's shorts

Receipt from Target for glitter (teal) and glitter (purple)

The Fits: Ed

A cropped purple button-down tied in the front, purple booty shorts, and purple glitter

Stede

A teal button-down, teal booty shorts, and teal glitter

Jim

Mickey Mouse ears, a black button-down, and black torn skinny jeans

Oluwande

Sparkly Minnie Mouse ears, a red shirt with white polka dots, and khakis

Chapter 33

Jim: pls tell me y’all have seen ed and stede’s costumes  Frenchie: No lol who are they?  Jim: pain and panic from hercules  Roach: is THAT who they are? stede was giggling too hard to answer when i asked  The Swede: wait who are pain and panic???

Oluwande: The little teal and purple demons.  The Swede: ohhhhhh  ngl that’s perfect for them  Lucius: they’re doing a couple’s costume yet they’re not dating  make it make sense  Oluwande: Jim and I are doing a couple’s costume!  Lucius: …  do i have to do everything around here

Stede's phone

Ed: don’t loook now but buttons is behind u  Stede: who?  Ed: nathaniel buttons. house manger, bird lover, nice guy but v wierd  will proibly try 2 talk 2 u about seagulls  Stede: haha you’re spelling words wrong  Ed: you’re spellign words wrong  Stede: your drunk aren’t you

Ed: *you’re haha whose the english major now???  Stede: *who’s and it’s still me  i just had maybe a lil too much rum  i like rum  Ed: me too  we should find some more rum  Stede: i bet jim has some  Ed: ooh good thinking

fuck  i forgot about buttons  Stede: oh no he really is talking about seagulls  help  Ed: sry u just have 2 suffer ur fate  Stede: ed noooo help meeee  Ed: ok fine

Lucius' phone

Lucius: just saw ed spill his drink on buttons  Pete: lol  did you catch him and stede grinding earlier  Lucius: !!!  no! how did i miss that???  Pete: don’t worry i’m sure they’ll be back at it soon  speaking of grinding…😏  Lucius: omw babe 😘

Chapter 34

Izzy: Wake up. We’re going to McDonald’s.  Ed: can’t get up i’m dead 💀  Izzy: That’s what you get for chugging rum with Stede fucking Bonnet all night.  Ed: rum is terrible  never drinking it again  Izzy: I am parked outside your building. You have five minutes to get some clothes on and get your ass outside or no chicken nuggets for you.

Ed: nooooo i want the nuggets but i don’t want to put on pants   Izzy: Wear a skirt for all I care, just get out here.  Ed: hm maybe i should invest in a skirt 💃

Ed: morning  Stede: It’s two in the afternoon.  Ed: ah but i’ve only been awake half an hour  so it’s basically morning  hey, do you think i’d look good in a skirt?  Stede: My head hurts way too much to answer that question.  Ed: you too huh  Stede: I’m never drinking again.

Ed: coincidentally, neither am i  Stede: I’m never going to get this glitter off me. I seem to have as much of yours on me as mine!  Ed: lol same  we’re glitter gremlins now  Stede: 🤣🤣🤣  Purple and teal look good together, at least.  Ed: hm you’re right

maybe we need more glitter in the show  bedazzle the skull, that sort of thing  Stede: OMG stop I’m laughing so hard it hurts.  Ed: we’ll have ophelia throw glitter instead of flowers in her mad scene  Stede: Better yet, she should throw it into the audience. Really make it interactive.  Ed: hamlet: glitter gremlin edition  Stede: ✨👹

Chapter 35

Oluwande's phone

Jim: pizza tonight?  Oluwande: I can’t, I have rehearsal  Jim: what about pizza after rehearsal?  Oluwande: That I’m definitely down for.  Hey, is everything okay? I heard you talking with your nana earlier.  Jim: sí, everything’s fine.  Oluwande: You just used a period, so clearly it’s not.

Jim: she was just being nana, ok?  Oluwande: You know you can tell me things, right? Friends tell each other things.  Jim: i tell you things  Oluwande: I don’t even know your favorite color.  Jim: what does that matter?  Oluwande: I don’t know, it just seems like the kind of thing friends would know about each other.  Jim: how does pepperoni and mushroom sound?  Oluwande: Delicious. 😋

Jim: pizza has been ordered and should be arriving around the time you come back from rehearsal  also, teal  Oluwande: What?  Jim: my favorite color is teal  Oluwande: Who are you???

Lucius' phone

Lucius: k am i crazy or were jim and oluwande standing awfully close to each other when we walked in  Stede: I’m sure they were just rehearsing something.  Ed: nah they were definitely suspiciously close together  Lucius: do you think we interrupted a makeup sesh?  Ed: could be

Ed: nah they were definitely suspiciously close together  Lucius: do you think we interrupted a makeup sesh?  Ed: could be  Stede: It seems inappropriate to gossip about our friends.  Lucius: that’s literally the point of having friends but ok  Ed: honestly tho if they don’t get together soon i’m gonna scream  Lucius: yeah i know the feeling

Chapter 36

Lucius: mary i’ve gotten an idea and it’s brilliant  but i need your help  Mary: Anything for you, darling. ❤️  Lucius: i knew i could count on you. meet me at mcallister for dinner, we’ll talk then

Lucius: that was a fucking disaster  Mary: You’re telling me.

Stede: Do you really not know what it’s like to be in love?  Mary: I said as much in rehearsal, didn’t I?   Stede: Well, sure, but it always seemed to me like you and Doug have something special.  Mary: We do! I just wanted some clarity. On how you and Ed viewed the love between Hamlet and Ophelia.

Stede: You’re not feeling uncomfortable with our roles, are you?  Mary: No, it’s fine, Stede, honestly.   It was just a question.  Stede: All right, I just wanted to check in.  Mary: Thanks, Stede. ❤️ I really do appreciate it.

 

Chapter 37

Lucius' phone

 Lucius: honestly, it’s incredibly tragic that neither of them could answer how it felt to be in love  Mary: Stede certainly TRIED to answer, but I don’t think he quite got there.  Lucius: what was that metaphor about the horses???  Mary: No idea.  We’ve got to figure out some other way to bully them into going out.  Lucius: we’re not bullying them, just…gently encouraging what’s already happening

 

Mary: You should invite Ed and Stede! And then maybe the two oblivious couples will figure out they’re actually on a triple date.  Lucius: hm that’s actually a great idea  i always knew you were an evil genius  Mary: 😈

Lucius: hey, a few of us are going to the beach this weekend. you two want to come?  Ed: sure  Stede: Absolutely! I love the beach. 🏖️☀️🌊  Lucius: great. we’re leaving friday after pete’s afternoon class finishes at 2:30. we’ll get back sunday night. pack some sunscreen, stede, you look like you burn just from thinking about the sun  Stede: Rude, but accurate.

Chapter 38

Lucius' phone

Lucius: Pete, babe, where are you?  Pete: sorry i forgot to bring my suitcase to class so i had to go back to the dorm and get it  Lucius: k just know that if you were literally anyone else i’d leave without you 😘  Ed: hey, I was late too  Lucius: yeah, and if Pete had been here, i would have left without you  Ed: rude

Stede: Take your time, Pete! We’re in no rush.  Lucius: speak for yourself  Oluwande: Stede’s right. The beach isn’t going anywhere.  Lucius: neither am i atm, tragically  Pete: ETA 5 minutes  Jim: hey, have we decided who gets the aux cord this trip?   Stede: I was thinking we could listen to the Rent soundtrack.  Jim: no

Ed: absolutely not  Stede: What’s wrong with Rent?  Ed: aged badly  Jim: no showtunes  Oluwande: seconded  Ed: hey i like showtunes in general  Oluwande: Also, we’re not giving Jim the aux cord. They’ll put on some weird obscure shit.

Jim: that’s bc i have taste olu  Oluwande: So do I! AND I made a beach playlist specifically for this trip.  Lucius: i vote oluwande’s playlist  Pete: same  Stede: I still think showtunes, but fine.  Ed: yeah alright  Jim: fine but when you’re all listening to katy perry don’t blame me

Oluwande’s beach playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/09ytkdD7DQCc01IG7OnXwp

Stede's camera roll

A photo of the ocean

A photo of the beach

Chapter 39

Lucius' phone

Lucius: HOLY SHIT I JUST WALKED IN ON JIM AND OLUWANDE HAVING SEX  Ed: omg  Stede: WHAT  Lucius: I mean okay, I think they were done, but still!  Stede: Good for them!  Lucius: yes, yes, it’s very happy news. Jim threw a fucking flip-flop at me, but otherwise it’s great  Ed: about fucking time those two got together

Pete: srsly  Stede: Wait, are we supposed to acknowledge that we know???  Lucius: I wouldn’t unless you want Jim throwing shit at you  Stede: So we’re just supposed to act like everything’s normal???  Pete: just be cool, Stede   Ed: yeah, stede, be cool  Stede: Right. Cool. Got it.

Stede's phone

Ed: Stede you’re not being subtle  Stede: All I did was ask if they had a nice afternoon!  Ed: yeah, and you were red as a tomato the whole time  Stede: I can’t help it! I’m sunburned!  Ed: not on your face  Stede: Ugh it’s so hard being cool.  Ed: i’m making you a t-shirt that says that

T-shirt mockup, emailed from Ed to Stede

Black t-shirt with white text reading "Ugh it's so hard being cool." - Stede Bonnet

Chapter 40

Jim's phone

Oluwande: Who's up for a morning stroll along the beach?  Jim: why are you awake  Oluwande: You’re also awake.  Jim: no i’m not  Oluwande: How are you texting, then?  Jim: sleep texting  Oluwande: That’s not a thing.  Jim: is too

Lucius: will you two get a room already  Jim: shut up  Oluwande: We are literally in a room right now.  Stede: Did someone say morning stroll? 😃  Ed: why is my phone lighting up so much it’s too early for this  Lucius: thank you I’m going back to sleep

Oluwande: We are literally in a room right now.  Stede: Did someone say morning stroll? 😃  Ed: why is my phone lighting up so much it’s too early for this  Lucius: thank you I’m going back to sleep  Stede: Meet you outside in ten, Olu!  Oluwande: See you then!  Ed: shhhh we’re sleeping

Jim: do you think they’re onto us  Oluwande: What do you mean?  Jim: i mean i don’t trust lucius to keep his mouth shut  Oluwande: Why are we keeping this a secret, again?  Jim: we’re not, we’re just waiting for the right time to tell people  Oluwande: Uh-huh.  Any ideas when that right time will be?

Jim: idk, we have all cast rehearsal on monday. how about then  Oluwande: You’re not called, are you?  Jim: no, but i can show up to make an announcement  it’s more efficient if we tell everyone at once  Oluwande: Whatever makes you happy. 💕  Jim: 🧡

Chapter 41

Email from Izzy Hands. The text reads As a reminder, rehearsals are set aside as time to rehearse the show, not to make individual announcements about personal matters. Thank you. Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Ed's phone

Ed: aw, lighten up, iz, they’re cute together  Izzy: It’s unprofessional.  Ed: pls like the pros aren’t all sleeping together, too  Izzy: They shouldn’t be. Professional boundaries are important.  Ed: it’s a college show, iz, this was bound to happen  remember how lucius and pete got together?

Izzy: I still don’t understand how playing a dysfunctional couple in a Kushner play prompted them to start dating.  Ed: that’s bc you don’t understand love, iz  Izzy: I understand not making insane decisions.  Ed: boring

Chapter 42

Lucius' phone

Lucius: well, we’re one for two on the beach scheme working  Mary: Score one for the evil genius!  Lucius: the question now is, what are we going to do about ed and stede?  Mary: I still think the supply closet idea could work. We’d just have to shove something heavy in front of the door.  Lucius: i will do a lot for love but i will not do manual labor

Mary: We could try just talking to them.  Lucius: what happened to my evil genius  Mary: Communication is key for a successful relationship, Lucius!  Lucius: fine. you take stede, i’ll take ed

Stede's phone

Mary: So, you and Ed seem to be getting along well.  Stede: Indeed! He’s absolutely lovely. 💖💖💖 And a great director!  Mary: Have you ever thought about getting to know him on a personal level?  Stede: What, like, during table work?  Mary: Not quite. I meant more like, getting coffee together.

Stede: I’m not much of a coffee drinker. ☕  Mary: It doesn’t have to be coffee. Dinner, a movie…  Stede: Ooooh, I would love to get Ed’s thoughts on that new Twelfth Night remake.  Mary: Again, it doesn’t have to be that.  Stede: I bet he has brilliant insights into the adaptation of Shakespeare’s text for film. Great idea, Mary, thank you! 😃  Mary: You’re welcome, I think.

 Stede: Ed, would you like to go see the Twelfth Night remake with me this weekend?  Ed: hell yeah  Stede: Perfect! I’ll buy the tickets if you buy the snacks. 🍿🍫  Ed: sounds perfect 😊

Ed's phone

Lucius: hey ed how’s it going  Ed: what favor do you need  Lucius: nothing! just wondering how things are going with stede  Ed: you mean as far as the show? things are good, he’s a great actor  Lucius: i meant have you asked him out yet  Ed: !!!  Lucius: oh, come on. i can tell you’re into him

 Ed: …it’s that obvious, huh  Lucius: as clear as daylight, sunshine  and he’s obviously into you too  Ed: i don’t think so  Lucius: have you SEEN the way he looks at you?  Ed: seems like normal looking to me  although wait  he did ask me to the movies this weekend

Lucius: oh my GOD  you realize that’s a date, right?  Ed: is it??? i think he just wants to go as friends  Lucius: friendship is not the vibe i get with you two  Ed: shit, i should wear something nice then, shouldn’t i  Lucius: happy to consult on outfit choice, as always  Ed: you’re a lifesaver

Chapter 43

Ed's fit options

A purple T-shirt, a leather jacket, black jeans, and black converse high tops

A low-cut romper and heeled black leather boots

A black cropped halter top, black skinny jeans, and black lace-up heeled boots

Ed's ultimate fit choice

A low-cut black romper and black lace-up heeled boots

Stede's fit

A pastel floral button-down, white pants, and white sneakers

A ticket with the text Admit One Showplace Cinemas Twelfth Night Saturday, February 16 7:00PM

Chapter 44

Stede: Mary, are you awake?  Mary: I am! What’s up, Stede?  Stede: Ed kissed me.  Mary: !!!  Stede: I’m sort of freaking out.  Mary: Why are you freaking out?  Stede: I don’t know!  Mary: Okay, deep breaths. What exactly happened?

Stede: After the movie we went out for ice cream and we ended up staying and chatting until the place closed and they kicked us out. And it was so wonderful and lovely and Ed looked so good.  And then he walked me back to my apartment and we were saying good night and he kissed me and it was really nice but I panicked and just sort of ran inside without saying anything and now I’m afraid he hates me.  Mary: OMG

Okay, first of all, I don’t think he hates you.  Second, have you reached out to him at all?  Stede: No, what would I even say???  Mary: You could thank him for a lovely evening and suggest you do it again.  You know, the normal thing to say at the end of a good date. 🙂  Stede: Was that what it was??? A date?

Mary: Stede, I was suggesting you go on a date with Ed when I said you should go to the movies together.  Stede: Fuck. I went on a date with my director. Is that bad?  Mary: I think it’s sweet.  Stede: It’s not an ethical conflict???  Mary: I mean, sort of? But it’s college. This sort of thing happens all the time.  Lucius and Pete got together when they were playing boyfriends in Angels in America.

Stede: So I’m not a bad person?  Mary: Of course not, Stede. 💜  Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning. Then you can text Ed and thank him for the date.  Stede: Okay, you’re probably right. Thank you, Mary. 💖  Mary: You’re welcome, Stede. Good night. 💜  Stede: Good night. 💖

Ed's phone

Stede: Good morning, Ed! I want to thank you for a lovely evening and apologize for running off on you. I was a bit…startled.  Ed: no worries, mate  and i’m sorry if i made things uncomfortable. we can just be friends  Stede: Is that what you want? To just be friends?  Ed: you want the truth?  Stede: Of course.

Ed: you make me happy. always have, ever since i met you. these past few weeks of rehearsals with you are the most fun i’ve had in months, years, maybe ever  Stede: Oh wow.  Ed: i’d like to be more than friends, stede. if you’re okay with that  Stede: Yes, I think so.  Ed: yes?  Stede: Yes. 🙂

Ed: hell yeah 😀  Stede: 💖💖💖  Should we plan another date?  Ed: netflix and chill? tonight at my place?  Stede: Only if you let me pick the movie. 🙂  Ed: your taste in movies is terrible. but yeah. 🙂

Chapter 45

From Stede's Netflix

A Netflix watch it again bar featuring Schitt's Creek, Love is Blind, Heartstopper, Jane the Virgin, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Gilmore Girls, and Bridgerton

Lucius: stede! how was your movie date with Ed?  Stede: Did everyone know this was a date except for me?  Lucius: probably, babe  Stede: How embarrassing.  Lucius: ok but that’s not the point how WAS it???  Stede: Honestly? Delightful. He kissed me, and we have another date set for tonight. 🥰

Lucius: !!!  what are you up to tonight, then?  Stede: Just chilling and watching Netflix.  Lucius: wait, do you mean netflix and chill?  Stede: Is there a difference?  Lucius: stede, babe  that’s a euphemism  Stede: For what?

Lucius: it means you don’t actually watch the movie, you just fool around  Stede: Oh my God.  You think Ed wants to fool around with ME???  Lucius: you just said he kissed you  Stede: Right, but I didn’t know that meant he wanted MORE.  Lucius: does that bother you?  Stede: No. Yes. Maybe? Oh God.

Lucius: ok, don’t freak out  Stede: It’s not that I’m not interested. I just…well, Lucius, can you keep a secret?  Lucius: of course  Stede: My only sexual experience is with Mary.  Lucius: wait seriously  Stede: Seriously.  Lucius: so you’ve never gotten dicked down before  Stede: Lucius!

Lucius: sorry, sorry  Stede: But no. I haven’t.  Lucius: so just tell ed that  i’m sure it won’t bother him  i bet he’ll be happy to “teach” you  get it?  Stede: That’s a terrible joke, but it did make me feel a bit better. 🙂

Lucius: you’ve got this, babe. just talk to ed  Stede: Thanks, Lucius. 💖 I’m so glad this play led to me meeting you.  Lucius: awww thank u  right back at ya

Chapter 46

Stede: Ed, about tonight.  Ed: not having second thoughts, are you?  Stede: No, definitely not! It’s just, I’ve only now become aware of what “Netflix and chill” means.  Ed: oh my god  sorry, i assumed everyone knew that  Stede: It’s quite all right! I suppose it’s on me for not being culturally aware.

Ed: so…what are your thoughts now that you know what it means?  Stede: Still very much in favor.  Ed: oh good  Stede: It’s  just…sorry, it’s difficult to explain.  Ed: you know you can tell me anything, right?  Stede: I don’t know what I’m doing.  Sexually, I mean.  I’ve only ever been with Mary.

Ed: that’s alright  it’s always different with a different person, anyway  so in a way, we’ll both be beginners 🙂  Stede: Ed, you have no idea how much better that makes me feel.   I’ve been terribly worried I’m going to disappoint you.  Ed: nah, i don’t think you even could, sexy thing like you

Stede: 😳  Ed: if that makes you blush, i can’t wait to see what you do when i get my hands on you tonight…  Stede: Explode, probably.  Ed: i hope so. 😉

The next day

Ed: mm, i think i’m going to remember the sound of you coming with my name on your lips the next time i’ve got some private time in the dorm…  Stede: Edward, I am in class!  Ed: sorry  Stede: You are not.  Ed: not really, no 😉  i can’t help that you’re so pretty when you fall apart for me

Stede: Funny you should say that. You sounded pretty amazing yourself. 😏  Ed: stede bonnet, are you flirting? in CLASS?  Stede: You started it!  Ed: yeah, but i’m incorrigible   you’re the one who pays attention in class  Stede: Maybe I found someone who’s more interesting than my class.  Ed: happy to drive you to distraction 😉

Stede: I should take notes, though. See you at rehearsal tonight?  Ed: see you then

Chapter 47

Izzy: Edward Teach, Fang had better have been lying about you hooking up with Stede fucking Bonnet.  Ed: oops?  Izzy: We talked about this! It’s unprofessional, and it’s going to make things uncomfortable in the rehearsal room. It’s bad enough Oluwande and Jim are together.  Ed: iz, it’s going to be fine. i can handle this  Izzy: Maybe you can, but can Bonnet? How about the rest of the cast?

Ed: the rest of the cast are adults and can handle two other adults being in a relationship  Izzy: So that’s what this is now, huh? A relationship?  Ed: maybe not technically  but i’m hoping it will be  Izzy: Well, isn’t that nice. What about our plans for after graduation? How does Stede Bonnet fit into any of that?  Ed: i don’t know, iz, i haven’t really thought that far ahead

Izzy: No, you fucking haven’t. You’re out here planning some happy relationship with your LEAD ACTOR with no regard for how that affects your future or even your present.  Ed: jesus, calm down  Izzy: No. Enough is enough, Edward. Either you break things off with Bonnet or you can find a new roommate.  Ed: nice try, iz, we don’t even live together anymore  Izzy: I meant after graduation.

Stede: Are you all right, darling? You seemed distracted during rehearsal.  Ed: fine. just had a rough conversation with izzy, is all  Stede: Do you want to talk about it?  Ed: not really  Stede: Okay. Well, I’m here if you need me. 💖  Ed: hm what if i need you…in my bedroom?  Stede: That one was just corny.  But yes, I’ll come over. 💖

Chapter 48

Scenic: Where will screen be placed in prayer scene?  Props: Can we get a rehearsal skull? Is it possible/in budget to get real flowers for the mad scene?  Costumes: Frenchie has a latex allergy, will that be a problem?  Sound: No notes for today, thank you  Lighting: That fucking M**beth gobo is fucking cursed, get it out of my rehearsal room.

Lucius: it’s official, people  Swede: what is?  Lucius: ed x stede  edstede  stedeward  Jim: are you having a stroke  Lucius: i’m trying to decide on their celebrity couple name  but their names are no good for mashing up  Pete: teachbonnet

Pete: teachbonnet  Lucius: love you, babe, but no  Roach: and how do we know they’re together, exactly?  Lucius: fang says stede’s spent the night at ed’s twice now  Wee John: they could just be friends with benefits  Roach: yeah i’m not sure i would count that as official  Lucius: well, if it’s not official yet it’s going to be soon, mark my words  Swede: wait, are oluwande and jim official?

Oluwande: Define official.  Jim: yes  Lucius: awkward

Oluwande: K this is not a conversation for the group chat, but ARE we official???  Jim: i thought so   i mean we’re together, aren’t we?  Oluwande: Yes, of course.  We just haven’t exactly had the dtr conversation yet.  Jim: dtr?  Oluwande: Define the relationship.

Jim: do we have to do that?  Oluwande: I’d like to.  Jim: ok fine  officially, do you want to be my boyfriend?  Oluwande: Officially, yes. 🧡  Do you want to be my…person? IDK the appropriate terminology.  Jim: how about partner?  Oluwande: I like it. My partner.

Jim: i didn’t say yes yet  Oluwande: Were you planning on saying no?  Jim: no  that is to say, yes  i will be your partner  Oluwande: yay 🧡

Oluwande: To clarify, Jim and I are official.  Lucius: glad you two sorted that out  Swede: yay, so many happy couples!

Chapter 49

Stede: Good evening, handsome. 💖  Ed: oh, so i’m handsome now, hm?  Stede: I believe I said as much last night. 😉  Ed: you said a lot more than that, mate 🍑  Stede: Sorry about that.  Ed: no apologizing  i like it

Stede: You don’t find my chattering annoying?  Ed: no, i find it hot  Stede: Always making me blush, Edward.  Ed: good. i like it when you blush 😉  Stede: So, listen, my parents are coming to visit this weekend.  Ed: i’m sorry  Stede: I was wondering if you’d like to meet them.

Stede: Ed?  Ed: i didn’t realize we were at meeting the parents stage  Stede: I’m sorry. Is it too soon?  Ed: i mean…probably?  plus i thought your dad was a dick  Stede: I mean he is, but  Ed: but?  Stede: I don’t know. Silly suggestion. You’re probably right, we’re not at that stage.

Ed: listen, i know you and mary were like. engaged to be engaged, but not everything has to be that intense, right? we can just keep things casual  Stede: Casual. Sure. I can do casual.  Ed: we cool?  Stede: We’re cool.

Chapter 50

Stede's phone

Stede: Mary, what does it mean if someone says they want to keep things casual in a relationship?  Mary: I suppose it depends on the person.  Oh my God, did Ed say that to you?  Stede: I’m afraid I screwed up terribly.  I asked if he wanted to meet my parents, and he said he didn’t think we were at that stage yet.  Is that bad?

Mary: It’s not great.  But I mean, you two have only been together for…what, a week?  Stede: I know, but it felt like we were really close??? Maybe I misinterpreted things.  Do you think he hates me?  Mary: I am certain he does not hate you.  Knowing Ed, he’s probably just too nervous to meet your parents.

Stede: Ed? Nervous?  Mary: Historically, commitment has never been his strong suit.  Stede: Whereas you and I were entirely too committed.  Mary: Right.  Just give him a little breathing room. I’m sure things will work out in time.  Stede: You’re always so helpful, Mary. Thank you. 💖  Mary: You’re welcome. Try not to freak out too much.  Stede: You know me too well. 🙂 I’ll try.

Ed's phone

Ed: are you any good at relationship stuff  Ivan: not really. what’s up?  Ed: i think i fucked things up with stede  and i definitely fucked things up with izzy by fucking stede  Ivan: ok, well izzy’s…izzy  he’ll get over himself  Ed: that’s the thing, i’m not sure he will  he threatened to not move to ny with me if i stay with stede

Ivan: damn, that’s serious  Ed: meanwhile i told stede i didn’t want to meet his parents  and said i wanted to keep things casual  Ivan: what’s wrong with casual?  fang and i are casual  Ed: you and fang adore each other  Ivan: ok, well we haven’t met each other’s parents  that’s serious shit

Ed: so you think it’s ok that i said casual?  Ivan: sure, if that’s what you want  is that what you want?  Ed: fuck i don’t know  Ivan: well casual’s a good place to be while you figure it out  Ed: yeah, you’re right  you’re so full of wisdom, ivan  Ivan: lol

 

Chapter 51

Stede's phone

Ed: hey stede is everything all right? you seemed off today in rehearsal  Stede: I’m fine. Spending time with my father always rattles me is all.  Ed: anything you want to talk about?  Stede: Well, I was terribly excited to tell him and Mother about the play. They were…less excited.  Ed: yikes  Stede: My father called me a namby-pamby, which…do people even say that anymore?

Ed: not decent people  Stede: Even Mother was worried it would distract me from my studies.  Ed: you? you’re the best student i know  Stede: Ah, but not a straight-A student. And remember, I’m majoring in English like a loser.  Ed: ugh. i’m sorry, stede  Stede: I should have expected it, really. Silly of me to think they’d share my excitement.

Ed: it’s not silly  if it helps, i’m excited to have you as hamlet  Stede: That does help, thank you. 💖  Would you be willing to run lines with me tomorrow afternoon? I’m free between 3pm and rehearsal.  Ed: run lines or “run lines”?  Stede: Get your mind out of the gutter.  Ed: i will not

Stede: Well, I meant actually run lines, but now that you mention it…  Ed: i’ll bring the condoms and lube 😉  Stede: You’re going to stop by the student health center on your way over, aren’t you?  Ed: yep

Cover letter reading Dear hiring manager:  When I saw the position of directorial intern at Ocracoke Theatre on Playbill’s jobs board, I knew I had to apply. In my four years as an acting major at Corsair University, I have discovered that my true passion lies in directing, and this internship would be the perfect opportunity to broaden my horizons and expand the skills that I have already learned both in classes and working on university productions.

Ed: job hunting sucks  Ivan: true  Ed: why don’t we have a class on practical shit instead of having to take three (3) entire theatre history courses  Fang: that are all about dead white men  Ivan: ^^^  Ed: exactly  like teach me how to write a cover letter, damn

Izzy: If you want someone to look over it/proofread, I can do it.  Ed: thanks, iz  i’ll probably take you up on that  but also there are only so many ways to say i’m passionate about directing  Ivan: tell them you love directing like it’s your firstborn child  Fang: you would die for directing  Ivan: you want to suck the dick of directing, as a concept

Ed: directing, as a concept, can suck my dick  Fang: that’s the spirit

Chapter 52

Email from Izzy Hands reading Hello, Please find attached the rehearsal schedule for this week. Let me know if you have any questions.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Hamlet Rehearsal Schedule Week of March 3 Monday, March 3 Stumblethough (all cast) Tuesday, March 4 Fight rehearsal (Hamlet, Laertes) Wednesday, March 5 Stumblethough (all cast) Thursday, March 6 Stumblethough (all cast)

Stede: Coming up on those final scenes in the stumblethrough! Very exciting stuff! 😄  Ed: you’re cute when you’re excited about the show  Stede: Wait, like bunny rabbit cute or teen heartthrob cute?  Ed: both  i want to pat you on the head and also suck your dick  Stede: I will admit to being more interested in one of those activities than the other.

Ed: big fan of head pats, eh?  Stede: Fuck off.  Ed: ha! i think that’s the first time i’ve seen you swear over text  Stede: I swear!  Ed: not over text!  Stede: Well, I did just now!  Ed: sure, love  wait is that ok  that i called you love, i mean

Stede: It’s fine with me if it’s fine with you!  Ed: it’s very fine with me  love  Stede: Now I feel like I should come up with something to call you.  Ed: i mean no pressure but you do need to come up with an amazing pet name for me  Stede: Well, now I can’t think of any.

Ed: blueberry muffin  schmoopsie poo  sugartits  Stede: Ed, stop, I’m laughing so hard I think I’m going to hurt myself.  Ed: brown sugar cinnamon pop tart  Stede: How about darling?  Ed: i like darling  Stede: Have a good day, darling. 💖  Ed: you too, love 💕

Google search for what does it mean when someone calls you love. Results: Calling someone love can mean many things, from ordinary affection to genuine love interest. For example, when a guy calls you my love, it could mean he is attracted to you but is scared to approach you. Also, a guy calling you my love could be saying it without feelings or because he cares about you.

Chapter 53

Lucius' phone

Lucius: breaking news: i have heard from a reliable source that ed and stede are keeping things “casual”  Oluwande: You know we all know your source is Fang, right?  Wee John: yeah, you told anyone who would listen how great your first date was  Frenchie: I can’t believe you asked him out at a figure drawing class. It’s like a romance novel.  Swede: i love romance novels 💛  Lucius: can we all focus, please?

Pete: on what  Lucius: the ed/stede situation!  Jim: i don’t get what the big deal is  so they’re casual. so what?  Lucius: i am screenshotting this so i can read it back to you at their wedding  Swede: wait are they engaged??? that’s not very casual  Lucius: no omg  but they will be, someday 💍  Frenchie: Wait, do we think this is why the vibe has been off in rehearsal?

 

Frenchie: Fuck you  Lucius: 🙂  Oluwande: Have we considered not getting so involved in our friends’ love lives?  Pete: no  Frenchie: Absolutely not  Lucius: where’s the fun in that?  Pete: what about our party, babe

Lucius: what about it?  Pete: seems like a great opportunity to get ed and stede to realize they’re meant for one another  Oluwande: Literally how.  Lucius: no wait that’s genius, babe  we’ll strategically get them drunk and alone. ed loves to talk about his feelings when he’s drunk.  Jim: so does stede. he cornered me at our party to tell me how much he appreciates my work on the show. for ten minutes

Lucius: perfect. we put out a fuck-it bucket, we all conveniently find reasons to be out of the living room at the same time, and bam. it’s feelings o’clock, baby  Oluwande: Okay, but I’m not drinking out of the fuck-it bucket.  Jim: you say that now  Pete: plus we can make a playlist with romantic songs  Lucius: love the way that mind of yours works, babe 😘  Pete: 😘  Jim: 🤮

Pete's romantic songs playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1WSy0k1g9CdudV2YEjn1zw?si=b4ee7d3990bc4323

Chapter 54

Lucius: k, pete and i have gone to our room  Jim: tmi  Lucius: omg i’m talking about the plan  Swede: what plan  Lucius: the plan to get the boys alone!  Swede: you just said you were in your room  Lucius: ED AND STEDE

Swede: oh right  i’ll hide in the bathroom  Oluwande: I really don’t think this is going to work.  Jim: come on, we’ll go out onto the balcony  Roach: Frenchie, Wee John, and I are in the kitchen.  Lucius: excellent. now we just need izzy and buttons to find somewhere else to be

Jim: i can bully izzy into going out for more ice or something  and we’ll tell buttons we saw a bird out here, that’ll work  Lucius: jim, i could kiss you  Oluwande: Excuse you, that’s my job.  Lucius: places, people! Pete: thank you, places  Lucius: very cute, babe  this is totally going to work

Lucius: does anyone have eyes on the boys?  Frenchie: Just popped my head out. Ed is most of the way into Stede’s lap.  Lucius: oh execellent  Frenchie: Thanksss. I was born for this kind of esponage.  Ok they’re kissing! They’re kissing. This is goood  Oh no I think Ed saw me fuck  They stopped kissing.  Lucius: frenchie nooooo

Frenchie: They’re coming over to the kitchen  Roach: k they’re both clearly blasted  but they’re in the kitchen with us now  Lucius: well, get them out!   Roach: how  Lucius: figure it out!  Roach: stede’s got frenchie cornered  he just told frenchie that he loves him

Lucius: oh my god this plan is backfiring all ofver the place  i’m coming out there  Wee John: oh shit i think stede’s gonna hurl  Lucius: get him to the bathroom!  Roach: too late

Stede's phone

Stede: Please tell me my memory is wrong and I didn’t actually throw up all over Frenchie last night.  Ed: uh  your memory is wrong and you didn’t throw up all over frenchie last night?  Stede: Oh God, I’m so embarrassed.  This is what I get for drinking out of something called the “fuck-it bucket.”

Ed: haha yeah i think somebody dumped some everclear in there  Stede: That would explain a lot, actually.  Listen, about what I said last night.  Ed: don’t worry about it, mate  Stede: I called you the Fiyero to my Elphaba. That’s not just something I can ignore!   Ed: haha fair enough  i assumed it was the alcohol talking

Stede: Oh, good.  Ed: although i liked it when you called me the light of your life  very poetic  Stede: I’ll keep that in mind for the future.  Would you like to get breakfast?  Ed: hell yeah  meet you at East in ten 💖  Stede: 💖

Toasted bagel with butter and a black coffee

Chapter 55

A page from Stede's planner

WEEKLY PLANNER Monday English 311 - 8:00am Eng 319 - 10:30am Rehearsal 7:00pm Work on thesis paper Read Iliad books 10&11 Tuesday Eng 402 - 10:30am Rehearsal 7:00pm Run lines Work on Eng 402 presentation Wednesday Eng 311 - 8:00am Eng 319 - 10:30am Rehearsal 7:00pm Read Iliad books 12&13 Thursday Eng 402 - 10:30am Rehearsal 7:00pm Read Eng 311 articles Friday Thesis meeting 10:00am Tidy desk Saturday Run lines Read Iliad books 14&15 Sunday Laundry Finish all homework due Monday YOU CAN DO IT!

A page from Ed's "planner"

Thesis meeting Fri. 10am DO LAUNDRY

Notes from Stede's senior thesis meeting

Senior Thesis Meeting #2 - March 14 Abstract, outline have been approved Working on body of paper, bibliography Doesn’t matter which citation style, just pick one and be consistent Talk to Elizabeth Jones at the library for research help Investigate feminist lens as well as queer theory First draft due 3/31 - we are on track to reach this goal Will receive feedback within 10 days Second draft due 5/1 Final draft due 5/15 Results by 5/22

Notes from Ed's senior thesis meeting

Rehearsal is going well Actors are off-book Design work is in a good place Could use faculty support on: Loaning department props to the show Logistics of set design Rights to use music - how to obtain? Final presentation of the thesis: performances Faculty will attend closing night Will email me their notes/final scores No fucking pressure or anything

Stede's phone

Stede: My thesis paper is stressing me out. 😕  Ed: the key is to not have a paper at all  just direct a show instead  that’s way less stressful, clearly  Stede: Is it?   Ed: no  what’s up with your paper?

Stede: It just feels like so much to put together. I’m dabbling in all these different approaches to literature and trying to find sources that are actually relevant is such a pain and honestly wtf is “queer theory” anyway my whole paper is just JO MARCH WAS TRANS ALL ALONG SEND TWEET.  Ed: ok, but you’re right and you should say it  Stede: Thank you, that’s the most enthusiastic response I’ve received for this project so far. My parents, predictably, hate it, and even my advisor seems lukewarm.

Ed: i bet i can cheer you up 😏  Stede: Edward, if you’re about to suggest something sexual…  Ed: then what? you’ll take me up on it?  Stede: Realistically? Yes.  Ed: no thesis problem a good blow job can’t fix  Stede: I’m not sure I agree.  Ed: only one way to find out 😉

Chapter 56

Stede's phone

Ed: happy st. patrick’s day, love 💚  Stede: Happy St. Patrick’s Day! 🍀  Ed: i got you a present. i’ll bring it to rehearsal  Stede: I don’t think St. Patrick’s Day is traditionally a gift-giving holiday.  Ed: it’s not. but i didn’t get you anything for valentine’s day, so  Stede: We weren’t together on Valentine’s Day!  Ed: still

i wanted to get you something, so i did  Stede: Well, that’s awfully sweet of you. But I didn’t get you anything!  Ed: well, like you said, it’s not a gift-giving holiday  although i can think of one thing you could get me…  Stede: Consider it done. 😉  Ed: love, i didn’t even tell you what it is

Stede: I’m assuming it’s a. something sexual and b. within the scope of what we’ve already done?  Ed: …yes  Stede: Then consider it done.  Ed: 😳

Lucius: has everyone seen stede’s outfit today  Roach: good morning to you too  Jim: it’s 10am when would we have seen it  Lucius: on his ig  Swede: omg it’s amazing  Lucius: it’s certainly something  Swede: is everyone wearing green today

Jim: why do you care, you’re Swedish  Swede: i just don’t want any of us being bitten by leprechauns  Oluwande: I don’t think that’s the superstition, Swede.  Frenchie: No, I’ve definitely heard that leprechauns bite people who aren’t wearing green.  Oluwande: Literally where have you heard that?  Frenchie: From the Swede, just now.

Oluwande: Oh my God.  Frenchie: Listen, leprechauns are feisty little fuckers. Better safe than sorry.  Wee John: leprechauns pinch people, dumbasses  Oluwande: They’re also not real.  Frenchie: !!!  Swede: !!!  Wee John: !!!  sounds like someone’s getting pinched.

Oluwande: I’m shaking in my boots.  Frenchie: You should be! Leprechauns are terrifying!  Oluwande: K I’m muting this conversation until tomorrow.  Jim: same  Wee John: leprechaun haters!

Stede's St. Patrick's Day fit

Green short overalls, a light green crop top, green knee-high socks, and green high tops

Ed's gift to Stede

Cover of Sex and Shakespeare by Jillian Keenan

Ed tweet: i think green might just be my new favorite color  Lucius reply: 👀

 

Chapter 57

Hello all,  As you are aware, tonight was our last rehearsal before spring break. Please remember to review your lines and blocking during the break so we can hit the ground running when we return to rehearsal. Thank you.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Ed: what are you up to for spring break?  Stede: Oh, the usual. Visiting home.   Ed: fuck that  Stede: Essentially.   Ed: you should stay on campus with me  Stede: Sounds positively hedonistic. 😏  Ed: it will be 😉  i’m serious you know

Stede: I couldn’t.   Ed: why not?  Stede: My parents would be so upset.   Ed: aren’t they always upset with you anyway  Stede: Pretty much.   Ed: so why not let them be upset AND get your dick sucked?  plus you won’t have to put up with their bullshit for a week  it’s a win-win

Stede: God, it’s tempting.   Ed: do it do it do it  Stede: You’re a terrible influence, do you know that?  Ed: i’m the best influence  Stede: Okay, you know what? Fuck it. I’ll tell my parents I need to stay for rehearsal or something. They’ll be pissed, but like you said, so what?  Ed: oh fuck yeah

bring a bag to my apartment  you can stay with me all week  Stede: I feel sort of…giddy? I’ve never done anything like this before.   Ed: it’s going to be a bomb week, just you wait  Stede: I’m looking forward to it. 💖

Ed: buying groceries for the week u want anything?  Stede: Whatever you usually get will be fine. 🙂  Ed: a week’s worth of sunny d and oreos it is then  Stede: Sunny D? Seriously?  Ed: what? it reminds me of my childhood  and it goes great with peach vodka  Stede: Nothing goes great with peach vodka.

Ed: this from a notorious vodka girlie  Stede: I am not notorious!  Ed: it’s fine, i’m getting rum anyway  you need to broaden your horizons  Stede: My horizons are plenty broad. At least when it comes to alcohol.  Ed: i literally had to introduce you to rum and coke  the most basic possible rum drink

Stede: I’m not a big soda person!  Ed: even people who don’t drink soda have had a rum and coke  Stede: Well, I’ve had one now!  Ed: thanks to yours truly, local rum guru  Stede: Guru seems a bit much.  Ed: i’ll show you a bit much  Stede: Is that supposed to be flirting?  Ed: depends. is it working?

Stede: You always work for me, if I’m honest.  Ed: ha! i knew it  Stede: Don’t let it go to your head.  Ed: too late  you know how we directors are  Stede: Charming, handsome, sweet? Or is that just you?  Ed: stop, i’m blushing in the checkout line  Stede: Good. 💖

Ed's shopping list

Shopping List Flamin’ Hot Cheetos x2 Oreos  Ramen x4 Microwave popcorn Store-brand chocolate ice cream Pizza rolls, pepperoni Frozen pizzas x2 Sour gummy worms Boxed macaroni and cheese x2 Milk, half pint Stick of butter Spaghetti Bow tie pasta Pasta sauce x2 Fruit snacks Sour cream and onion potato chips Tortilla chips Salsa, mild 12-pack Coke Rum Condoms

Ed: where’d you gooooo  Stede: I’m getting us coffees, sweetheart. ☕  Ed: oooh good idea  you remember how i like mine?  Stede: A dollop of milk and seven sugars. 🥛 Super sweet, like you.  Ed: awwwww  hurry back, i have plans for you

Stede: If those plans involve a repeat of last night, I’m extremely interested.  Ed: they might…  Stede: I’ll be there as fast as my feet can carry me.  Ed: 😍

Three days later

Ed: did you mean it  Stede: Of course I meant it.   💖  Ed: 💖

Chapter 58

Lucius: BREAKING news everyone! i heard from fang who heard from ed that he and stede are OFFICIALLY dating as of the end of spring break  Jim: fuck who do i owe money  Lucius: me, and i already sent you a venmo request 😘  Swede: awww yay for love!  Roach: fucking finally  Frenchie: Good for them.  Lucius: is no one going to ask for details???

Pete: please, share the details  Lucius: i appreciate your perfunctory attempt, babe  apparently they had a drunken late night conversation and stede said he wished ed was his boyfriend  and ed said he could make that happen  Oluwande: That’s really sweet, actually.  Lucius: but then in the light of day they had doubts  but they talked it through and now they are BOYFRIENDS

Swede: 🥳  Lucius: changing my name to cassandra bc i saw the future ✌️  Jim: yeah but everyone believed you  Oluwande: Jim’s right. That’s a pretty key part of the Cassandra myth.  Lucius: y’all are no fun

Ed's phone

Ed: morning iz  i wanted you to hear it from me first: stede and i are official  Izzy: Okay.  What do you want me to do with that information?  Ed: you could go for the friendship option of being happy for me  Izzy: Edward, I know you know how I feel about this relationship.  Ed: jealous?

 Izzy: Excuse me?  Ed: idk iz. seems like you resent the amount of time i spend with stede. time i used to spend with you  we can fix that, you know  have a movie night or something, just the two of us  Izzy: I’m not jealous of Stede fucking Bonnet.  Ed: i’ll let you pick the movie  Izzy: All right. How’s Wednesday after rehearsal?  Ed: perfect

Stede: Good morning, boyfriend! 😍  Ed: you’re so cute 💖  good morning, boyfriend  Stede: I won’t lie, my bed feels terribly empty after a week of sleeping next to you.  Ed: lol cramming into my twin bed, you mean  but i know what you mean

Stede: You could come over tonight?  Ed: can’t, i have plans with iz  but tomorrow i’m all yours  Stede: That’s what I like to hear. 💖

Poster for Hamlet. Features a white outline of a skull and a black smoke-filled background. Text reads Hamlet directed by Edward Teach April 25-27 Blackbox Theatre For tickets, email nbuttons@corsair.edu

Buttons' inbox

Emails from Ann Bonney, Benjamin Hornigold, and Charles Vane requesting tickets to the show

Chapter 59

Stede: Edward!  Ed: stede!  Stede: Guess waht? I’m drunk.  Ed: whoa me too  Stede: I’m at this party with these english majors? We’re debating the litrerary merits of Moby Dick.  Ed: i’ll debate the literary merits of THIS dick  Stede: What does htat even mean, edward?

Ed: idk. miss u  Stede: Miss you more.  Ed: nuh uh  Stede: Uh huh.  Hey Ed what do you think is gonna happen when we gradudate?  Like will we stay together or what  Ed: that’s a big question buckaroo

Stede: Did you just call me buckarro  Ed: no i called you buckaroo  Stede: I’m serious, Ed!  We graduate in like…two months  What’s gonna happen  Ed: idk love  idk what i’m doing when i graduate  nowehre i’ve applied for jobs has gotten back to me yet

Stede: Me neither. I’m starting to panic.  Ed: noooo don’t panic you’re so sexy aha  Stede: Edward teach are you memeing at me???  Ed: sorry i love a good meme  sorry just…idk anything about the future man  it’s all so ??? right now u kno  Stede: Yeah, I know.

Ed: i know i like u a lot tho  ditch ur english majors and i’ll ditch my theatre majors and we can have a party for 2 at my palce  Stede: Yeah that sounds way better than this party.  For the record? Moby dick is a dumb story about dumb white men being dumb.  Ed: you tell em, baby

Chapter 60

Oluwande's phone

Jim: tell me again why we’re at this party  Oluwande: We’re bonding with the first-year theatre majors.  Jim: yeah but who cares about them? we’re just going to graduate in a few months and then they won’t be our problem anymore  Oluwande: Only you would think of the first-years as a “problem.”  Jim: psh, first years are always a problem  we were a problem as first years

Oluwande: No, you were a problem. I was a solution.  Speaking of graduation  I know it’s late and I’m a few beers in but…should we move in together? After we graduate?  Jim: why the hell not. you’re moving to chicago, i’m moving to chicago  just makes sense  plus it will make it easier to have bangin’ sex all the time

Oluwande: You’re insatiable.  Jim: are you complaining  Oluwande: Absolutely not.  But I am looking up apartments on my phone.  Jim: I thought you were bonding with the first years.  Oluwande: I can bond and look at my phone at the same time.  Jim: querido, you can barely walk and chew gum at the same time

On the TV screen | On the laptop screen

Title card for Tattoo Redo on Netflix

A search for Chicago apartments on apartments.com

Email reading Dear Israel,  We are pleased to offer you the position of Stage Management Intern at the Queen Anne Theatre! The dates of the internship are June 2 to August 29. More information can be found in the attached document. Please let us know within 48 hours if you are able and interested in accepting the position. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask and we look forward to you joining our team this summer!  Felicity Jones Artistic Director, Queen Anne Theatre

Chapter 61

Dear applicant,   Thank you for your application for the position of junior copywriter at GeneriCorp. While we have decided not to move forward with your application at this time, we appreciate your interest in GeneriCorp and encourage you to apply to any future positions that are suited to your skill set.  Sincerely, Natasha Smith HR Manager GeneriCorp

Dear Stede,  We appreciate your patience during our hiring process. We regret to inform you that we have chosen to offer the position of Adult Services Associate to another candidate. Thank you for your interest in the Evergreen Community Library and best of luck in your job search.  Titania Johnson Adult Services Manager Evergreen Community Library

AUTO-REPLY: Administrative Assistant Application - Stede Bonnet  Thank you for your interest in Semaphore, Inc. We have received your application and will review your credentials. We will be in contact if you are selected for an interview. Thank you.  HR Department

Stede: Tell me not to panic about getting three rejection emails in one day.  Okay technically one of them was an auto-reply saying that they got my application, but that doesn’t exactly indicate interest on their part.  Ed: do not panic  rejection emails are a part of life  Stede: A terrible part of life!  Ed: well yeah

those companies aren’t good enough for you anyway  Stede: One of them was a public library!  Ed: even public libraries can be trash  Stede: You take that back. 😦  Ed: okay you’re right public libraries are amazing 📚  but they missed out by rejecting you  Stede: I haven’t gotten a single interview yet. Is that bad?

Ed: if it is, then i am also doing bad  Stede: Seriously? How has no one interviewed you yet?  Ed: a lot of aspiring directors, not a lot of gigs for aspiring directors  Stede: Right, but you’re Edward Teach.  Ed: unfortunately i don’t think that means much to the hiring managers  Stede: Well fuck.  Ed: wanna get drunk and watch a movie about it?  Stede: If by watch a movie, you mean fool around, then yes, absolutely.  Ed: 😉

Chapter 62

Ed's phone

Google search: how to afford rent in nyc

Izzy: Edward, I have news.   Ed: sounds ominous  Izzy: It isn’t. I got an internship in New York.   Ed: !!!  that’s awesome  what internship  Izzy: I’ll be the stage management intern at Queen Anne. I just accepted.  Ed: sick

Ed:i’m thinking of looking at some gigs outside new york. chicago, maybe  Izzy: Fucking seriously? I tell you I got a job in New York and you tell me you’re thinking of moving somewhere else?  What happened to being fucking roommates?  Ed: fuck iz i didn’t mean it like that  just trying to keep my options open  Izzy: There are plenty of options in New York.   Ed: yeah and none of them seem to want me

Izzy: You’ll find something. You’re Edward fucking Teach.   Ed: you’re going to hate this  but stede said basically the same thing the other day  Izzy: You’re right. I do hate that.   Ed: i just don’t know if being edward fucking teach counts for much off campus  Izzy: Sure it does.  Ed: thanks iz  Izzy: Find something in New York.   Ed: i’ll fucking try

Google search: Chicago theatre jobs

Chapter 63

Ed: it should be illegal for professors to make homework due during tech week  Stede: Surely it can’t be that bad.  Ed: said like someone who’s never experienced tech week  Stede: I’m sure I’ll be able to keep up with my assignments.  Ed: k i screenshotted that so i can show it to you in a few days  Stede: Edward, no offense, but I think you’re being dramatic.

Ed: get ready to eat, sleep, and breathe hamlet for the next six days  Stede: Is that not what I’ve been doing for the last several months?  Ed: no you’ve been sleeping with your director not hamlet  Stede: Very funny, darling.  Ed: seriously do your laundry before it starts one time sophomore year i ran out of clean underwear halfway through tech week

Ed: it was awful  Stede: I prefer when you don’t wear underwear. 😉  Ed: tell that to the costume department  Stede: Oh, dear.  Ed: oh dear indeed

Dear cast and crew of Hamlet,  As you are aware, tomorrow is our first day of tech week. We will start in the blackbox at 9:00 am sharp. We have a long day, so be ready to work by 9:00. The day will go as follows:  9:00 am All called 12:00 pm Lunch 1:00 pm All called 4:30 pm Dinner 6:00pm All called  You are free to bring snacks and water to stay nourished and hydrated throughout the day. I would like to remind you all once again that this day will go by much quicker if we remain focused. This means when we hold, quietly remain where you are instead of chatting with your friends or otherwise getting distracted. It will be a very long day, but it does not need to be an unpleasant one. If you plan to do homework during your down time, please do so in the hallway outside the blackbox so as not to disturb others. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.  Izzy Hands Stage Manager, Hamlet

Stede: Okay it’s been one day of tech week and I’m already exhausted.  But also wired? I don’t feel like I can sleep.  The voice inside my head is starting to sound like Izzy.  Ed: told you tech week’s a bitch  Stede: It’s also kind of awesome, though. Getting to see the show finally come together, as it’s actually going to be for an audience. It’s exhilarating!

Ed: love the enthusiasm, love  and i may have a solution to your trouble sleeping  Stede: Does it involve you, me, and a bed?  Ed: or a countertop, or a dresser, or the floor  i’m not picky  Stede: Be over in ten. 😘

Chapter 64

Tech Report 1 Sunday, April 20 Location: Blackbox Start Time End Time 9:01AM 9:52PM General ·       No notes today, thank you. Scenic ·       No notes today, thank you. Lights ·       Most notes will be fixed by tomorrow. ·       A few fades need to be slowed down. ·       May hang a few more side lights. Sound ·   	Headset is set up. ·   	Volume up on everything—we’ll set levels tomorrow. Costumes ·       Ariel is sending emails to cast about what they need to bring for tomorrow. ·       Brianna Young will be wardrobe crew. Props ·   	Can we still get a vase of flowers? ·   	All the cups—are they clean? Can we put water in them to drink?

Technical Direction ·   	Curtain hung. ·   	Clear hallway. ·   	Paint touch ups—stairs, desk. ·       Add one more black tab. Direction ·       No notes today, thank you. Stage Management ·       No notes today, thank you. Miscellaneous ·       No notes today, thank you.

Stede: Another rejection email. Sigh.  Ed: at least you’re getting rejections  i just get ghosted 👻  Stede: Oh, I’ve gotten plenty of that as well.  Ed: it’s like hurling your resume into the void  Stede: Indeed.  I suppose it would help if I had an idea what I wanted to do besides not work for my father.

Stede: I have no idea what I’m suited to.  How do you even know what kinds of jobs exist? Do you just Google “jobs”?  I tried going to the career center, but they were no help. They just made weird changes to my resume and told me how to dress for an interview.  Which is fine and all, but what if I don’t know what I want to interview FOR???  Ed: whoa, deep breaths there, hon

Stede: Edward, what the hell am I going to do?  Ed: move in with me  Stede: Sorry? Did you mean to send that?  Ed: i’m serious. wherever we end up, let’s go together  Stede: Edward. We’ve only known each other a few months.  Ed: i know. but i love you  sorry to like. text that instead of saying it in person  but i do

Ed: stede  Stede: See you at rehearsal, darling.   Ed: stede  stede?  fucking hell, stede

Chapter 65

Jim: k what the hell is going on with ed and stede  lucius you must know something  Lucius: not a clue  fang and ivan don’t know either  wait let’s loop them into the convo

Lucius: fang and ivan you’ve officially been recruited to the stede and ed gossip circle  Oluwande: Obligatory “gossip is bad, let’s stop talking about our friends behind their backs.”  Ivan: k but rehearsal is weird as hell tho  Jim: are they mad at each other???  Fang: ed hasn’t told me anything  Ivan: me neither

Lucius: i’ve heard nothing from stede or ed  Jim: what about mary  Lucius: ooh, good thinking, let’s add her

Lucius: mary, do you have any idea what’s going on with ed and stede  Mary: No, but something’s definitely up. I’ve never heard Stede snap at anyone like that before.  Lucius: yeah that was bitchy as hell  damn. who else might know something?

Ivan: if anyone knows what’s up, it’s izzy  Fang: seconded  Frenchie: Is he even going to answer a text right now?  Lucius: idc, let’s find out

Lucius: Izzy! How are you doing, handsome?  Izzy: Stop texting. We’re in rehearsal.  Lucius: Do you know what’s going on with Stede and Ed?  Izzy: Unlike some of you, they’re rehearsing Hamlet.  Frenchie: Okay, but what’s UP with them?  Roach: yeah why is stede being so bitchy

van: and why does ed have his sad puppy eyes on  Izzy: I have no idea what any of you are talking about.  Lucius: oh please. even you have to admit the vibes right now are absolutely RANCID  Izzy: …They’re not great.  Lucius: I knew it!  Fang: ed won’t tell any of us what’s going on  Mary: neither will stede

Lucius: it’s up to you, israel. find out what’s going on. for all of us  Izzy: I’m not prying into Edward’s personal life.  Lucius: that is literally what friends do  Fang: please, izzy?  Ivan: you can’t be enjoying the sad puppy eyes  Roach: or the bitchy stede  Izzy: I’m not enjoying all these text messages. During rehearsal, I remind you!  Lucius: so get the info and we’ll leave you alone  Frenchie: help us izzy-wan kenobi. You’re our only hope.

Frenchie: help us izzy-wan kenobi. You’re our only hope.  Izzy: No.  Frenchie: please?  Roach: please  Wee John: please  Swede: please  Jim: I’ll stab you if you don’t.  Izzy: Jesus, fine.  Oluwande: How do you leave a group chat?  Lucius: with us? you don’t

Chapter 66

Lucius: oh my god did anyone else just hear izzy  Frenchie: ??? No??? Spill.  Lucius: i didn’t hear much, just passed him and ed in the hallway during break and izzy went “you WHAT!?” like he was absolutely shooketh  then they saw me and went back to angry whispers  Jim: angry whispering is bad  Oluwande: Yeah, especially between our DIRECTOR and our STAGE MANAGER. During TECH WEEK.  This is why I’m anti-meddling.

Lucius: please, it’s not a real play if there isn’t drama  Swede: what about comedies  Lucius: what  Swede: sometimes there’s a play with no drama  Lucius: swede, i meant like…interpersonal drama  Swede: oh, i get it now

Lucius: anyway. what do we think izzy is shocked/pissed about?  Ivan: no clue  Lucius: ugh, let me text him

Lucius: any updates for the group?  Izzy: Fuck off, Spriggs.  Lucius: so there updates, you just don’t want to share  Izzy: It’s none of your fucking business.  Lucius: so it has to do with you, then? the reason ed and stede are fighting?  Izzy: They aren’t fighting. Far from it.  Lucius: what does that mean?

izzy?  israel hands!  Izzy: Rehearsal’s starting back up. I suggest you get back to work.  Lucius: ugh fuck you too i guess

Izzy: You offered to move in with him.  After everything we’ve been through.  Ed: iz it’s late. i want to go to bed.  Izzy: Well, I want to continue our conversation.  How could you, Edward?  Ed: i don’t expect you to understand   i love him

Izzy: And that’s enough of a reason to tear your entire five-year plan to shreds?  Ed: you have a five-year plan, iz. not me  Izzy: Yeah, and that plan involves you, me, and New York City. Not Stede fucking Bonnet.  Ed: it doesn’t matter anyway  Izzy: Yes it does fucking matter.  Ed: he doesn’t want to go  Izzy: What?  Ed: i said he DOESN’T WANT TO GO

Izzy: To Chicago?  Ed: anywhere. with me.  happy now?  Izzy: Not particularly.  Ed: great, that makes two of us  Izzy: I’ve already started apartment-hunting in New York. If you’re still planning to be my roommate, I need to know by the time the show wraps.

Edward.  Ed: yeah, fine, i’ll let you know what i’m doing by then  Izzy: You know what the right choice is. I believe that.  I’ll see you in rehearsal tomorrow.  Ed: see you then

Chapter 67

Stede's phone

Stede: Mary, are you free to talk?  Mary: I’m in class, but I can text.  What’s up?  Stede: I’m afraid I’ve ruined things terribly with Ed.  Mary: I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.  Stede: He told me he loves me.  Mary: Oh, wow.  What did you say?

Stede: I told him I had to write a paper and I needed to go.  We haven’t spoken outside of rehearsal since.  Mary: Yeah, that’s…it’s not great, Stede.  Stede: I was just so panicked! He had just asked me to move in with him and I still don’t have a job or any idea where I’m moving after graduation and I only have a few weeks to decide and meanwhile rehearsal is more intense than it’s ever been.

But there’s also so much time to THINK, you know? Every time we stop to refocus the lights or adjust the sound levels or whatever, all I can think is what if, what if, what if.  Mary: What are you wondering what if about?  Stede: What if I end up working for my father? What if Ed hates me and never wants to see me again? What if I made a mistake doing this play at all?  Mary: Why would playing one of your dream roles be a mistake?

Stede: If I hadn’t auditioned, I would never have met Ed.  And then I wouldn’t be feeling so heartbroken.  Mary: Yes, but you also wouldn’t have had all the lovely times you did with him.  Stede: You and Doug seem to have it all figured out. What’s it like? To be in love?  Mary: It feels…easy. Like breathing.  He puts up with my idiosyncrasies. Finds them charming, even.

We just pass the time so well together.  I’d call those things love.  Stede: Fuck.  I’m in love with Ed.  Mary: What are you going to do about it?  Stede: I’ve got a bit of an idea. But I’ll need some help from the cast and crew.  Mary: …I think it’s time you joined the group chat.

Chapter 68

Ed's phone

Ed: iz i’ve made a decision and i need you to hear me out  Izzy: Why do I feel like I’m going to fucking hate this?  Ed: you probably will  i’m going to chicago  Izzy: Fuck off.  Why?  Ed: iz, you’ve been my ride or day since day one  and i appreciate that, i really do

but i think i need to have something of my own  a city of my own, a career of my own  does that make sense?  Izzy: It fucking sucks is what it does.  Ed: i still want to be friends, iz  i’ll come visit you sometimes, and you can visit me  we’ll text constantly, it’ll be like we never separated

Izzy: And what about Stede?  Ed: what about him  Izzy: Is he going to Chicago with you?  Ed: no  i’m not doing this for him, iz  i’m doing it for me  Izzy: I suppose I have to respect your decision. I don’t have to fucking like it, though.

Ed: so are we good?  Izzy: Yeah. We’re good.  Ed: fuck yeah  Izzy: Now go eat something before final dress. I don’t need you passing out on me.  Ed: yes, mom

Oluwande's phone

Oluwande: Well, it’s official. I signed the contract for that apartment in Logan Square. It’s ours.  Jim: fuck yeah  Oluwande: I still can’t believe I get to keep living with you after we graduate.  Jim: yeah you’ll have to put up with my dirty dishes for at least another year  Oluwande: I’ll put up with much worse than dirty dishes to be with you. 🧡  Jim: gross  but thanks 🧡

Oluwande: What do you think of this plan Stede’s concocted for tomorrow?  Jim: it’s gonna be fucking insane  but it’ll also probably work  Oluwande: Agreed.  Jim: pizza after rehearsal tonight?  Oluwande: Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Chapter 69

Mary: Happy opening night, y’all!  Stede, is everything ready for tonight?  Stede: Should be!  Lucius: this is going to be fabulous, stede  Stede: I certainly hope so!  The Swede: true love always wins in the end 💜  Oluwande: Seriously, Stede. It’s going to be great.

Jim: we’re all rooting for you  Stede: Yes, apparently you’ve got a whole group chat dedicated to it.  Mary: I said we were sorry!  Lucius: i’m not  Stede: It’s fine. It’s all going to work out. I think.  Mary: Break legs tonight, darlings.  Stede: 💖

Transcript from Buttons’ phone, which has accidentally been on voice-to-text for the entirety of curtain call

Hi, all! I do hope I can borrow just a moment of your time. My name is Stede Bonnet, and I was your Hamlet here tonight. I’m so thankful to everyone involved in this production for giving me the wonderful opportunity to be a part of this very special show. But there’s one person in particular who hasn’t gotten a message from me that they deserve. Edward Teach.

WOOP WOOP  COME UP ON STAGE, EDDIE  Edward. I know this past week has had its challenges. Hell, our entire relationship has had its challenges. But I want you to know I’m ready. For you. For us. I’m ready to set off on our next adventure together, wherever we may land. I love you, Edward Teach.   OW, OW

has had its challenges. But I want you to know I’m ready. For you. For us. I’m ready to set off on our next adventure together, wherever we may land. I love you, Edward Teach.   OW, OW  I’m not sure about much in this life. But I’m sure about you.  Bloody hell what is this confounded thing doing STOP

Stede's phone

Ed: i still can’t believe you had them drop rose petals from the ceiling  how the hell did you set that up without me knowing?  Stede: I’ve got some excellent friends.  Although I think we may have traumatized the audience with our…enthusiastic kissing.  Ed: eh, they’ll recover  it’s not an edward teach show without a dramatic finish  Stede: Indeed. Now come back to bed. I’m not finished with you.  Ed: ditto 😉

Chapter 70

Epilogue

 Dear Edward,  The faculty and staff of the Corsair University performing arts department are delighted to announce that you have passed your senior thesis with flying colors. We were all impressed with the ingenuity you showed in creating an original production of an often-produced play. We wish you (and Stede Bonnet, it would seem!) luck in all your future endeavors.  Sincerely, Valencia Harris Department Head Corsair University Performing Arts Department

Business card with a logo for Tallship Publishers, est. 1717. Stede Bonnet, Editorial Assistant, 773-555-7908, www.tallshipublishers.com

Program cover with an image of a forest. Text reads Green Frosting Shakespeare Company presents...A Midsummer Night's Dream

Inside page of the program. Text reads a Midsummer Night's Dream Director Angela Ellis Scenic Design Sam Wyatt Light Design Peter Hansen Sound Design Sara Marquez Costume Design Marie Hollis Props Design Reggie Donaldson Projection Design Hanna Gold Assistant Director Edward Teach

A teal and purple planner page. Monday through Friday read work 9-5. Saturday says one year anniversary with Edward. Sunday says laundry.

The End

Afterword

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